Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Shitty Jello Pudding Commercials that Fill me with Rage

Okay, this is probably the product of sleep deprivation, or just an ancient hate for pudding, but I have found a commercial that angers me. It is for Jello Chocolate Pudding. It consists of a bunch of young hip women in a salon being so flaberghasted by this low calorie jello that they burst into dance.

At this point you guys are probably like, What the fuck, Dan? Why do you care about a jello commercial. Well basically, at the health club I go to, there is a channel on one of the many TV's that shows JUST COMMERCIALS. And apparently Jello bought a good chunk of their time because it plays about twice every 10 minutes. So more or less, I've been given a chance to analyze the commercial from pretty much every angle. And I am angry.

Here are my reasons.

1) The Happiness.

NO ONE LIKES JELLO THIS MUCH. NO ONE. I get it, 60 calorie pudding is probably prettttty bitchin. However, I won't deny that a certain type of person wouldn't be elated at the idea of low calorie pudding. However I think that instead of looking like this,
"Look how much we love pudding!"
They'd look more like this.
"Need more pudding."

2) Incorporation of my least favorite dance move

I call it, The Oops Face. It's something that primarily is done by women. It's when you bust a dance move, and then make a face as if you didn't mean to.

"Oh I'm sorry, That was rather impressive, ooops!"

This dance move is pretentious. It thinks that it's better than me. And I want it to stop. Now.

So I guess if you still don't understand my grievences, I'm gonna go ahead and say that not all my blog entries can be winners. Sometimes, I just need to get angry.

Rock on.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Punisher: War Zone

Okay, I'm going to preface this by sharing a secret with you all. One of my guilty pleasures is, yes, Punisher movies. I loved the first one, and I've always loved The Punisher as a character. I think the idea raises a lot of interesting questions, but unfortunately, the two prior movies have fallen flat in the end.

But this one changed things up a bit!!!

Basically, this movie didn't take itself seriously. Which turned out to be the key to being awesome. This movie was over the top, cheesy, comic book goodness at its very best. Whereas movies like the Dark Knight manage to legitimize themselves as films (with damn good reason considering Dark Knight was the greatest comic book based film EVER MADE. Don't Argue.) , the Punisher knows that it's simply an action movie, and doesn't try to weigh the viewer down with silly things like plot or commentary on society. The movie was funny in the same sense that Snakes on a Plane was funny. It knew it was ridiculous. Which I loved. They stuck to the source material pretty well too at the parts that mattered. (Nerd alert!!!) And overall I feel like this movie was a success. Ray Stevenson said his....4 lines....without stuttering. I'd comment on his acting, but there really was none. It was a lot of ol' Frank Castle kickin' ass and taking names.

If I had to sum up this movie in a sentence (The punisher is like....) I'd say.

The Punisher is like.....growing a plant made of sheer testosterone, harvesting it with an AK 47, rolling that shit in glass, and smoking it, to produce some form of Steven Segal PCP Style high. Followed by laughter, and then a nap.

Bonus Points For...

-Having a sub villain named "John McGinty and the Free Flow Gang"
-The last scene being legitimatly badass, followed by hilarious as the screen cuts to black. Go see it.
-Using every cheesy action movie line EVER (I.E. "See you in hell." "If I see you anywhere near hell, I'm gonna kick your ass!")

Overall Rating:


See it if you like movies that are kind of tongue in cheek. Watch it as a comedic action movie, and you wont be dissapointed. Watch it as a thought provoking film and you may find yourself in tears, and not for Frank's family.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Here's something that bothers me that just started happening. I belong to our local health club, Lifetime Fitness. Every time I go there, the routine is the same. I hand them my card. They swipe it, they say, "have a good workout."

So this week, I've gone twice. Both times there's been one subtle difference. They've said.

"Have a good workout, DAN."

Now i can only assume that these people are reading my name off the card, or the computer screen in which they swipe it. This wierds me out. Sure, it starts cordially with a name. But how much is encrypted in that card?

Where I live?

My hobbies?

My Fears?

That's just what I need.

"Have a good workout Dan, and you don't have to worry about that fear of dolphins, there are none in our pool."

I liked the nonpersonal relationship I had with desk girl before this started. Now I'm frightened. Way to go technology.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Facebook Thinks I'm Gay.

So I was jaunting around facebook today as I tend to do. Everything was going pretty regularly but then facebook started dropping some hints at me. It started very subtly. Facebook has these little advertisements on the side of the page, things that it claims are related to you, your listed hobbies, and other such things. So this was the first one.

Oooh, Vacations. Everyone likes vacations regardless of sexual orientation. Thus, I thought nothing of it. Clearly Facebook just thinks I need a break from the daily grind. Then it got a little more obvious with this little number.

So now Facebook is naming off all these bands I've never heard of.
I guess that's cool. Who doesn't love music? But, Indie music, isn't that the genre where all the guys wear tight pants and care way too much about their hair? That's kinda wierd. Yet, I continued browsing. That's when facebook dropped the hinting and cut to the real deal.

No more beating around the bush on this one, Facebook has outright told me,
"Hey Dan, we think you're rather gay. We want to help you."

(So not only does facebook think I'm a gay guy, but an inefficient gay guy who requires online dating to meet men.)

And this is when it hit me! That island with the sunset was none other than Fire Island! And clearly they weren't advertising Indie music, but Tight Pants!!! The signs had been there all along. How could I have been so Naiive?

Now my facebook doesn't leave any mystery as to my sexual preference. Under Interested In, it clearly says Women. I even checked to make sure my friends didn't change it again while I wasn't looking. So the mystery continues. I'll just have to upload more photos of me fighting bears and doing very manly things.

Update: I just got another advertisement.

So here's the million dollar question:

Does Facebook now know I'm straight, or just think I'm a very fertile gay man?

And the Billion dollar question:

Which of my listed hobbies does this related to?!

Thursday, November 20, 2008


I know I haven't been bloggin' about much, but I've been busy. Sorry Folks, you're gonna have to wait until my mind strikes me with more awesome opinions and/or musings.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Quantum of Solace

So I hit up the midnight showing of Quantum of Solace this morning.

I'll say this, It wasn't bad. It just wasn't what I wanted. I shall explain.

Casino Royale was my personal favorite 007 film. It had a rich plot, enough action to keep me happy, a more than passable love story (which for a Bond movie is remarkable) and was filmed really interestingly. At the end of Casino Royale, the viewer was just as confused and saddened as Bond was. So, when the idea of a movie purely about avenging the loss (of possibly the hottest bond girl ever), I was more than enthused. However, I feel as though the movie failed to deliver on most of the promised themes.

When the movie started, the finger was clearly pointed as Vesper's boyfriend, who was more or less the reason she had to join Quantum and betray Bond. However, as the movie continues, you start to feel less like hes committing acts of vengeance and more like Bond is just tired of interrogating people, and is in more of a killing mood. And (SPOILER ALERT) the only person in this movie he captures whom he doesn't kill, is the very man who caused all his pain. (SPOILERS DONE) So I guess that left me scratching my head.

Also, the other idea of the movie was that this organization, Quantum, was global and had "people everywhere." This was made evident at one or two points in the film, however eventually the idea of a global organization dwindled down to a literal corporation that had some sinister motives. As Bond chased after one man, you couldn't help but wonder how weak Quantum was that without this man, it would fall to pieces (not to mention that the Mr. White seen at the end of Casino Royale had next to no relevance to the organization itself)

However, the movie did have its redeeming qualities. The action scenes were adrenaline filled and full of variety. This was by far the best action I've seen in a bond movie in a long time. Also, Camile, Bond's latest hot lady, was played nicely by Olga Kurylenko. Craig also once again proves himself to be worth of the 007 name as the first Bond fully capable of ripping out your kidney with his bear (yes, BEAR) hands, and then blugeoning you to death with it. However Craig also shows that he can play the emotional role decently too.

Long story short, I would say that this movie aimed for a Bourne-ish flare with all the action, but didn't have the amount of plot needed to pull of the rage, sorrow, and vengeance filled sequal that we'd all been so patiently waiting for. Still worth the money though.

I'd give it a 6.5/10.

And I give the opening song an 11.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008


Most of you 7 viewers are probably in a state of shock right now. I haven't been updating lately! Well this is just because the school newspaper just went into production for issue three. So don't panic, I know your lives depend on my blog entries, and they'll be back, just not until a week from today. Many appologies, and who knows, I might pump one out over the weekend about the new Bond flick.

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Life's Short, Wrap More Things in Bacon

My buddy had his 18th birthday party tonight, and we were lucky enough to go to a local Brazillian Steakhouse on his parents' dime. This was possibly the most wonderful eating experience of my life. Everything tasted delicious and fantastic, and I am more full than I have been in a long, long time. I doubt I'll eat that well for a long time. I managed to eat pork, chicken, and beef wrapped in bacon. The potential lifespan shortening was definitely worth that meal, and to anyone who has a brazillian steakhouse near by, I HIGHLY recomend going. They don't tend to dissapoint for 35 bucks a head.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Consolers of the Lonely

I'm going to take a minute to talk about my personal favorite album of all time.

Consolers of the Lonely by The Raconteurs.

For those of you who haven't heard of the Raconteurs, its a band made up of general badass, Jack White (Of The White Stripes), Soloist Brendan Benson, Bass player Little Jack, and on Drums, Patrick Keeler. The Raconteurs first album was called Broken Boy Soldiers, and was known for its song "Steady, As She Goes."

Now that you've got some back story, I just want to tell you about this amazing album.

This album came out March of this year, so it's by no means new, but it's still very unknown, and it just saddens me. In this album, it is evident that Jack White took control of the band. The first album had a much more mellow sound, with some classic rock feel, and tended to favor the style of Benson's solo work (With a few exceptions of course.)

This second album's style was exploding with energy. If Broken Boy Soldiers was a nap in the sun on a summer day, Consolers of the Lonely is like going for a run in the midst of a thunderstorm. The start of an album, which is always really important to me, is the album's title track. With rapid key and tempo changes, it keeps you on your toes as your ears adjust to The Raconteurs new sound. However, you are given very few breaks from that point as it heads into the fast paced (And only radio hit from the album), Salute Your Solution. The album continues to build in energy, only to culminate in the final track, Carolina Drama. This song, my favorite on the album, is a story song about a young boy who witnesses a murder. It's a slow build to a powerful finish that leaves chills running down your spine, and honestly, I can't get enough of it. Jack White's blues have never dissapointed me, not with the White Stripes, and definitely not with The Raconteurs. However, Jack isn't the only one getting glory on this album. The often underrated Brendan Benson has one of the more powerful tracks on the album, Many Shades of Black. It's a perfect exasperated break up song, and Benson pulls it off wonderfully. There really isn't a single negative thing I could say about this album, hence the fact that it's my favorite. I would recomend it to anyone who generally loves music, but especially to those who love the classics (Led Zeppelin Style), The Blues, or The White Stripes.

The Top 5 Tracks on the album:

1. Carolina Drama
2. Rich Kid Blues (Albeit, a cover, still wonderful)
3. Top Yourself (The first overtly innapropriate song I've heard Jack White sing)
4. You Don't Understand Me
5. Many Shades of Black

Thursday, November 6, 2008

30 Rock

Honestly, I don't have a whole lot to talk about tonight.

Aside from 30 Rock of course.

This show is seriously the funniest thing on TV right now, and I don't understand how more people don't watch this. Tonights made me explode with laughter. Literally, it made a mess. But yeah I highly recomend the show, and I'd go in depth as to why, but honestly, its unnecessary. I'm tired tonight. Chump entry, I know. Oh well. 30 Rock is on www.hulu.com if you're interested. Its free.


Wednesday, November 5, 2008


America faces a problem. This problem is not one to joke about. Millions of people a day are affected by this problem, and honestly, I've had about enough.

This problem is face-ism.


Facial Hair Racism.

All of a sudden, I'm just seeing a complete lack of beardage in the modern world. I bring this up in light of No Shave November AKA The Last of the Real Men's Men. Look at our presidential candidates. Neither had any form of facial hair. And honestly, I think that it's the 'stache that makes the man. Take this for example

Not Electable:



However, even facial hair has its limits....

Still Not Funny:

Plus, facial hair is commonly associated with jolly folk. Like Santa or Charlie Chaplin!

Seriously, name one bad person who had facial hair.


That's what I thought.

(Underlying point, anyone this month who notices my increasingly scruffy facial hair realize that I've taken the No Shave November challenge, and my manhood is on the line. I am truly sorry in advance for the neck beard.)

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

The Night

Okay, two posts in a day is excessive I know, and I hate to jump on the post election bandwagon. But as someone who never really knew which candidate to support, after hearing Obama's acceptance speech tonight, I'm 100 percent confident in him. I feel patriotic, I feel American, I feel hopeful, and most of all, I feel proud. Granted, it's his actions that will define his presidency, not words, but if he can move a nation like he did tonight just by talking, I'm convinced that he's the man who'll be capable of legitimizing America again. This country is in a rut, and we need a push to get out of it, and he'll give it to us. For the first time since my elementary school years, America has a president that is respected as a man of intellect and true american ideals. I'm interested to see President Obama's term begin, and I wish him and his family all the best, because the coming four years won't be easy, but we can all agree when we say that it'll be worth it if we can make some true changes.

Lots of times, People are Dumb.

Today, people were obviously all talking election (see previous post for my distaste about this topic), and I heard quite possibly one of the dumbest sentences I've ever heard uttered by anyone ever.

"It's just as powerful to not vote as it is to vote."


Because last time I checked, that's the same as saying its louder to stay silent than it is to shout.

But this person's stupidity set aside, the statement did get me a'ponderin and what not. It got me thinking about the power of silence, or rather, the lack of power. I've seen probably 5 or 6 protests since I started high school that involve some form of volunteer based silence for one cause or another. I just think the whole concept of going unnoticed to prove a point is dumb. You know you're protesting, and you're obviously very passionate about whatever you're protesting, but the fact of the matter is, in the course of the day, if someone I barely know isn't talking, I'm not going to care, quite honestly, I'm all for anything that gets the vegetarians to stop talking for a day. So long story short, if you've got a problem, speak up, because its the only real way to be heard.

On a side note, today I drew a picture. I feel like I should post it just to lighten the mood of this post, so here it is.

Monday, November 3, 2008

The Mysteries of the World

Wanna know what's cool about the universe and what not?

We know jack shit about most of it!

Like the ocean for instance.

We've explored like 1 percent of the total ocean floor. Which means that the rest is COMPLETLEY UNKNOWN.

Now lots of people figure that stuff like Atlantis is down there, but I'm holding out for the coolest of cool shit:

That picture is gigantic, but it describes how much I'm pulling for the existance of sea monsters and shit. I'd also settle for some kind of dinosaur.

And then you've got space, and don't even get me started on space. The universe is infinite which basically means that if you can imagine it, theres a good chance that youll find it somewhere out there. So I'm pulling for a planet made of bacon.

So basically, the universe is pretty rad.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Election Post or Shut up And Vote Already! or CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!

Dear News Folk, Comedians, Politicians,

It has come to my attention that we are voting in 2 days. Awesome. HOWEVER. I think that it'd be in good taste to just stop talking about the election NOW. Honestly, this is long overdue. I've held my tongue while you constantly parody both candidates, create new bandwagons, hop on said band wagons, appear on popular late night television shows, and other such tomfoolery. HOWEVER, no longer. The candidates have both said their piece, have both made very clear where they stand, what they want, how much they're willing to pay to win via informercial, and how adorable yet vacant they are willing to be. Let. It. Go. Let's go back to talking about good things.


These past few weeks, pirates were holding a vessel full of old russian tanks, weapons, and other such delightful things. The Navies of the world descended upon them in a mighty blockade as they held out for a large ransom, and to top it all off, THEY GOT AWAY WITH IT.

However to get updates on this story, I had to HUNT. It was absurd. Anytime actual, real life pirates make the news, they should be FUCKING FRONT AND CENTER. Seriously.

But that's enough ranting.

Honestly I think its in the best interest of the nation, the children, the puppies, and the pirates if we just shut the fuck up and vote.



Sub Post:

Someone showed me this rad website, most of it was lame but this was mostly frightening but slightly awesome.

A Look Back In Time

Now I don't know if of my 3 readers, any were major Nintendo 64 addicts, but if you grew up in the mid to late '90's, I don't see how you weren't. Today I was reminded of one of the gems of the N64 Era.

Pokemon Snap was the most wonderfully pointless game I've ever played. I'm pretty sure the basic concept is that you were the equivalent of a pokemon stalker. You'd kinda just find these things where they lived, and get pictures of them while they tried to evade. If I remember right, you weren't even able to move, you were perpetually on this little train track. More or less like a crappy virtual version of disney's animal kingdom. But what was even more awesome? The Graphics.

Makes games like Bioshock just plain unnecessary.

But yeah long story short, if anyone has a copy of pokemon snap, I would totally take it as a gift of some sort.

Sidenote: That Bioshock 2 teaser made me freak out. I loved the first one.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

These Are Things That Make Me Angry.

1. Hippies/Revolutionaries?

Ok, we get it. The corporate machine SUCKS. But it doesnt suck when you're buying your brand new Che Guervara T-shirt. Vive Le Revolution! Fuck you.

And seriously, stop being a pushy vegetarian. I respect the convictions of people who will give up something like meat, but when you start pushing it in the faces of others, I will ignore you forever. I dont want any pamphlets about how many puppies die to make my hotdog. I will still eat animals, it's just how I am. They're delicious.

Case and Point.


Stop begging for changes in cafeterias and what not. Vegetarians and Vegans always act super shocked and wronged by the fact that cafeterias don't tend to serve tofu hotdogs and stuff. The way I see it, if you are refusing to eat more than half of the options a restaurant has given you, you're more or less forcing yourself to eat elsewhere. You picked your lifestyle, man up and take your wheatgrass shots.

2. Political Correctness

Heres the deal guys. Political Correctness is BULLSHIT. Having to make everything multiracial and equal and respectful to everyone is dumb. For example, in my discrete math book, every example has some kid with an exotic crazy ass name. I'm not a racist, but I don't wanna have to rewrite these really long names like Esperanza. Just typing that, I had to make myself a pizza for energy. Now I could pull a bajillion more examples like how they "fixed" cookie monster, but theres one I just read about in the news that makes me want to explode with rage.

Santa has been made "politically correct"

(This article is old, but I couldn't find the one I read last week.)

Because Santa is large, it was said that hes been setting a poor example for children. Now I think this is bullshit. Everyone knows there is a mathmatical equation proven by SCIENCE (apparently I'm addicted to caps lock today).

Fatness is directly proportional to how jolly you are.

Like seriously. If santa becomes skinny, I'll never be able to take him seriously again. I will no longer donate to those santas looking for charity money, and orphans around the world will lack medical care and new clothing. True story.

So now they've asked Santa to slim down, so I'm asking them to shut the hell up before they ruin the easter bunny by making him learn to read or something.

Chizzled abs mean nothing if you've sold your soul.

3. Kids In Restaurants

Have you ever been unfortunate enough to be seated next to one of those families? You know the one I'm talking about. Its a couple of young couples looking for a night out full of intelligent conversation. Its not a crime to want such things am I right? I would be, if it were not for the fact that all these couples have made the decision to have like 23 children in direct succession. And they refuse to control them until they damn well feel like it. Now granted I understand how much it must suck to have little kids what with the constant noise, feces, and vomit. But that doesn't mean I'm going to share your burden. If you 2 wanted to have a nice night out you should have done one of 3 things.

1. Gotten a babysitter.
2. Made friends who dont have kids so that I only have to deal with one set of toddlers throwing straws around the room instead of like 6.
3. Maybe you shouldn't have had all your kids be born within a year of eachother. Pace yourself you crazy mofos.

4. People Who go Jogging at Night

Like 8 times this summer I was surprised to find people jogging outside at like, 10 pm. Now this is totally okay with me, but the fact of the matter is, it's best to stay on the sidewalk. I get it. You're running outside at 10pm. You must be one tough badass. Now here's the problem. You're running on the road. I'm in a car. You're not wearing any of that reflector shit, and if you are, its on your fucking shoe. Your survival chances are slim at best seeing as I'm not the most awesome driver around.

5. Fat People in Disney World

So here's the deal, I just heard this today. The "It's a Small World" Ride at disney world has been temporarily closed. You're all probably wondering why. Well the answer is hilariously depressing. The moat they have dug for the boats in the ride is now officially too shallow. At 2 points in the ride where the water is lower than usual, the average weight of the people in the boats has been causing the ride to bottom out. Now, this isn't something that's always happened. Its something new, and its because of all those people out there who are like, pushing 400 pounds, and still jamming down the fried chicken. So maybe while Disney digs you a deep moat, you can go on a bit of a diet?

6. Middle School Kids in Movie Theatres

Ninety percent of the time I have middle schoolers sitting near me in a movie theatre they find that nothing is funnier than making comments to their friend about every fucking thing that happens in the movie. Now I'll admit, I used to be that kid. I thought it was hilarious to joke about different ridiculous things that could happen in the movie. And I think to some degree, everyone is that annoying and young at some point, but now that I'm so very mature, I've learned my lesson, and seen the truth. Kids that age will always be little punks.

Luckily, at that age, they're still pretty punt-able.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

So my old blog got lost.

My old blog got lost. I dont have the password, and i probably never said anything of consequence on there. Last post was from Lollapalooza, so I think I'm just going to do the good ol' fashioned Copy, Paste deal to get my good reviews over here. Blogspot works a lot better than the old site I used.


Is this normal?

I walk into chipotle and a woman in front of me ordered a burrito with no meat, rice or salsa. Just beans and lettuce.

Is this as communist as it seems to me or do a lot of people do this?