Saturday, October 25, 2008

These Are Things That Make Me Angry.



1. Hippies/Revolutionaries?

Ok, we get it. The corporate machine SUCKS. But it doesnt suck when you're buying your brand new Che Guervara T-shirt. Vive Le Revolution! Fuck you.




And seriously, stop being a pushy vegetarian. I respect the convictions of people who will give up something like meat, but when you start pushing it in the faces of others, I will ignore you forever. I dont want any pamphlets about how many puppies die to make my hotdog. I will still eat animals, it's just how I am. They're delicious.

Case and Point.


ALSO!

Stop begging for changes in cafeterias and what not. Vegetarians and Vegans always act super shocked and wronged by the fact that cafeterias don't tend to serve tofu hotdogs and stuff. The way I see it, if you are refusing to eat more than half of the options a restaurant has given you, you're more or less forcing yourself to eat elsewhere. You picked your lifestyle, man up and take your wheatgrass shots.


2. Political Correctness

Heres the deal guys. Political Correctness is BULLSHIT. Having to make everything multiracial and equal and respectful to everyone is dumb. For example, in my discrete math book, every example has some kid with an exotic crazy ass name. I'm not a racist, but I don't wanna have to rewrite these really long names like Esperanza. Just typing that, I had to make myself a pizza for energy. Now I could pull a bajillion more examples like how they "fixed" cookie monster, but theres one I just read about in the news that makes me want to explode with rage.

Santa has been made "politically correct"

(This article is old, but I couldn't find the one I read last week.)

Because Santa is large, it was said that hes been setting a poor example for children. Now I think this is bullshit. Everyone knows there is a mathmatical equation proven by SCIENCE (apparently I'm addicted to caps lock today).

Fatness is directly proportional to how jolly you are.

Like seriously. If santa becomes skinny, I'll never be able to take him seriously again. I will no longer donate to those santas looking for charity money, and orphans around the world will lack medical care and new clothing. True story.

So now they've asked Santa to slim down, so I'm asking them to shut the hell up before they ruin the easter bunny by making him learn to read or something.

Chizzled abs mean nothing if you've sold your soul.



3. Kids In Restaurants

Have you ever been unfortunate enough to be seated next to one of those families? You know the one I'm talking about. Its a couple of young couples looking for a night out full of intelligent conversation. Its not a crime to want such things am I right? I would be, if it were not for the fact that all these couples have made the decision to have like 23 children in direct succession. And they refuse to control them until they damn well feel like it. Now granted I understand how much it must suck to have little kids what with the constant noise, feces, and vomit. But that doesn't mean I'm going to share your burden. If you 2 wanted to have a nice night out you should have done one of 3 things.

1. Gotten a babysitter.
2. Made friends who dont have kids so that I only have to deal with one set of toddlers throwing straws around the room instead of like 6.
3. Maybe you shouldn't have had all your kids be born within a year of eachother. Pace yourself you crazy mofos.



4. People Who go Jogging at Night

Like 8 times this summer I was surprised to find people jogging outside at like, 10 pm. Now this is totally okay with me, but the fact of the matter is, it's best to stay on the sidewalk. I get it. You're running outside at 10pm. You must be one tough badass. Now here's the problem. You're running on the road. I'm in a car. You're not wearing any of that reflector shit, and if you are, its on your fucking shoe. Your survival chances are slim at best seeing as I'm not the most awesome driver around.






5. Fat People in Disney World

So here's the deal, I just heard this today. The "It's a Small World" Ride at disney world has been temporarily closed. You're all probably wondering why. Well the answer is hilariously depressing. The moat they have dug for the boats in the ride is now officially too shallow. At 2 points in the ride where the water is lower than usual, the average weight of the people in the boats has been causing the ride to bottom out. Now, this isn't something that's always happened. Its something new, and its because of all those people out there who are like, pushing 400 pounds, and still jamming down the fried chicken. So maybe while Disney digs you a deep moat, you can go on a bit of a diet?


6. Middle School Kids in Movie Theatres

Ninety percent of the time I have middle schoolers sitting near me in a movie theatre they find that nothing is funnier than making comments to their friend about every fucking thing that happens in the movie. Now I'll admit, I used to be that kid. I thought it was hilarious to joke about different ridiculous things that could happen in the movie. And I think to some degree, everyone is that annoying and young at some point, but now that I'm so very mature, I've learned my lesson, and seen the truth. Kids that age will always be little punks.

Luckily, at that age, they're still pretty punt-able.


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