Friday, January 9, 2009

Nostradamus is Latin for "I'm a Huge Tool"

A friend advised that I write an elaborated post on things that have made me angry. So I thought of my number one first, because anyone who's read my lists knows that I dispense with the suspense bullshit, and go right to the number one. And my number one was

1. Nostradamus and his absolutely retarded followers

Okay. I've been addicted to the history channel all this week. And its Armageddon week. So of course all the programs are about this 2012 bullshit. So first I'll discuss that in a brief paragraph.

Shut your fucking faces and get a job you damn hippies.

That being said, on to the Author. Nostradumbass.

Basically, this guy worked a day job as an apothecary, selling wacky elixirs, but his true passion was writing douchy poems. These days, we call those people "Baristas." (For those of you who dont speak pretentious, it means "Coffee Guys.")

"Hi I'm Steven. I pour coffee, but want to be taken seriously. Please listen to my band's demo tape."

These poems, known as Quatrains, supposdly predicted the future.

Here's one.

His final hand through Alus,
he will be unable to protect himself by sea.
Between two rivers he will fear the military hand,
the black one, irate, will make him regret it.

Here's what some douchebag says it meant:

Clearly this is a reference to Colin Powell, who has an admitedly short temper, and was involved in the Bush Administration, and the Iraq War. Iraq is between two rivers, the Tigres and Euphrates, and often has seen military action.

Here's why this is retarded:

I'm not even going to fucking start, honest to god. But here's the thing, I am going to start.
The part about Iraq being between two rivers is factual. So that's a legitimate interpretation. But my beef is that they think this is talking about our time. Iraq (Mesapotamia at the time) has been an area of violence for THOUSANDS OF FUCKING YEARS. THOUSANDS. So of course, Colin Powell is the first black person to be irate in the general area of Iraq. Also, Colin Powell isn't George Bush, so you'd think that Nostradamus would refer to the leader, not the guy who bailed out of the Bush administration.

But wanna know what the problem with that is? George Bush is white, and then they don't have an irate black guy to pin this quatrain on. So then someone might think, hey, Nostradamus might be just a drunkass poet, and not a prophet. THEN thousands of bullshit historians/writers are out of jobs because people stop being retarded.

I understand how people believe that Nostradamus is predicting the future, because some people are just retarded. I mean, people used to believe that if you were sick, all you had to do is just cut yourself and bleed all the cancer out. And I feel like Nostradamus' stuff is the same way. It kinda seemed plausible, but then we started discovering things and learning to read. It worked for a minute, and then did a massive fucking faceplant straight into the realm of superheroes, greek myths and pokemon.

So yeah long story short, I spent a lot of time writing my number one, so I think I'm just going to keep throwing these things out as they happen.


  1. Hello!!!! how you doing!?
    i found your blog very interesting and well done let me tell you,
    it's amazing how you write about that kind of things, can't wait to see another one from you!!! ñ_ñ

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