Monday, July 27, 2009

Here's to You, Nipple Guy!

So I was at a baseball game this past weekend, and I was reminded of one of summer's most obnoxiously annoying people. Nipple Guy. Nipple Guy is everywhere where the weather is warm. He's that guy who has decided, "Hey. My personal comfort/fulfillment of my ego is much more important than your general experience for the day."

Here's the deal nipple guy. No one wants to see your nipples. No one. But the sad thing is, Nipple Guy isn't listening. He's too busy showing the world his bod. But there isn't just one nipple guy, there's actually quite the variety. Let's break it down.

Nipple Guy (Skinny White Guy):

Alright buddy, when you walk around with clothes on, you look like the majority of America, which is sweet. However, when you remove that shirt, you just start to look sad. Like a puppy wandering around looking for food, with your pale white boy arms facing the elements in what will surely end as the world's worst sunburn due to your blatantly irish or german descent. Do your skin and yourself a favor and wear a tshirt, you're far too weak to be left exposed like that. Trust me, I'm doing this for you.

Nipple Guy (Fatty McFatty Fat Fat):

Holy shit. Stop. You're out of control! Fat people can go where they want and not face ridicule seeing as they have such abundant numbers now, but christ man, you need to robe up! Fat Nipple Guy typically isn't tan, and usually has some nice back-ne. You look like a walrus in the midst of it's awkward teen years. I'd say lose some weight and work out but that doesn't excuse being a nipple guy.

Nipple Guy (Well Built):


Nipple Guy (Tattoo'd):

Okay, I would never say this to your face because chances are you're an unstable douchebag, but you are a huge tool. Accompanying your tattoos are usually some large number of piercings, sometimes even in your nipples, and that shit's offensive. You're usually pretty drunk, and looking for a fight, and for that, among so many other things, I dislike you. Since telling you to put on a shirt seems pointless, maybe you should just stay home and watch UFC.

So there it is, Nipple Guy. Right out on the table. Go home and put on a shirt like a normal person. No baseball team or otherwise cares about your nips. You're just making the crowd sad and giving something for me to blame losses on.

Next time, watch me tear a new one for all those people who clap after movies. Seriously, what the shit is that?

(Worst part of this post? Googling "Shirtless dudes" and having to pick out those pictures.)


  1. (worst part of this post? nothing. i llolled throughout)

  2. u r man u no undrstnd wat weminz wnat k