All Things Awesome

Fall Television Roundup!!

2010-10-01T11:32:00.005-05:00

I've made no secret in the past of my love for television. It's great. So with that on the table, let's talk about everyone's favorite TV season, fall. Lots of premieres means lots to talk about. Each show I'm talking about here is about 2 episodes into the season, so we can get a pretty good idea of where the plot is headed. Let's get into it!

Chuck:

In the first few episodes of this new season of Chuck, we've seen a return to form combined with some core changes. The show is clearly back to the first season format of resolving any plot points by the end of the episode, but things have changed a lot since the start. Chuck and Sarah's relationship, formerly the most interesting and emotional part of the show, stands as a fairly resolved conflict at this point. They're together, and the show can't break them up without rendering its first 3 seasons pointless, so the viewer can remain pretty confident that they'll stay together. So the question stands as to what the main conflict will be in the long run. The show, in an apparent reach for a new plotline, has introduced Chuck's mysterious mother, a woman who appears to be both family-oriented and ruthless, and previews just keep showing her in a gun standoff with Sarah, so we'll see how that goes. The show has been sexualizing the living hell out of Sarah, something that as a red blooded american male, I can't object to, but its almost as if the show knows that the 3rd season will most likely be its best, and that at this point, its just aiming for a little bit more longevity. While I've always loved Chuck (entirely too much at times) I would prefer for the show to burn out rather than fade away. At the end of the second episode, Chuck mentions marriage to Sarah, and dramatic music plays as the frame shows her worried expression. I hope this was an attempt at relationship comedy, and not some implication that Sarah has some deep dark secret preventing her from getting married, i.e. A secret husband. At this point, Chuck has earned my faithful viewership, and I will remain a loyal fan until they do something absolutely stupid with the plot. Though a secret husband does sound pretty stupid.

30 Rock

There's not a whole lot to say about this season of 30 Rock other than HOLY SHIT. Every joke, every character, and ever story in the first two episodes of this season has been spot on. Tina Fey and Matt Damon have a surprisingly great on-screen chemistry as an awkward couple that only gets to meet every month or so, and Jack Donaghy as a father-to-be has been some of the funniest moments 30 Rock has had in a while. The scenes of him making advice tapes for his future son were unbelievable. It's comforting to see a show that's 5 seasons in and still consistently funny without seeming repetitive. It looks like it's going to be a great season for 30 Rock, and in a world filled with consistently worse comedies, it's comforting.

How I Met Your Mother

How I met your mother has revealed some pretty crucial details in these first two episodes. It seems to feel like the show is slowly starting to wrap itself up. While the show is still consistently funny, its best days appear to be behind it, and it seems to, much like Chuck, be in survival mode right now. However, it's still a fun show to watch, and Neil Patrick Harris still steals the show pretty consistently. (though thats not to overshadow the hilariousness of Jason Segel and the "Wait Why are you the main character?"-ness of Josh Radnor) I'm excited to see where it all goes from here.

Glee

Glee went from being a show that I assumed would suck to a global phenomenon, and I sometimes have to ask why. Granted, I'm no longer in hiding of the fact that I watch the show. I do, and I tend to enjoy it for the most part. However, the thought keeps occurring to me, that if this show didn't have so many musical numbers, it would just be utterly terrible. The dialogue and storyline are typically bad, except for in the case of some the supporting characters (Kurt, Brittany, and others) who tend to mostly get ignored. However this week's episode was pretty hilarious as Brittany S. Pierce finally got some spot light. I'm just shocked Glee didn't get any crap from parent groups for some of the videos they used this week. Then again, it was just all the same stuff these parents let their kids watch back in the 90's, so I figure it evens out. It just feels to me sometimes as though what originally made the show great has since been abandoned in lieu of doing things that sell more songs on itunes. Call me crazy I guess. I'm fairly skeptical of where the show is headed, especially with next week's preview showing Kurt's dad in the hospital. Typically if a show has to start killing people off, it doesn't have a whole lot else going on. But we'll see. I'd love to be wrong.

BACK!

2010-09-21T15:12:00.001-05:00

I'm back. I tried wordpress. I didn't like it. So I'm pretty much just doing a return to form.

Look for a new post tonight!

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist is literally the worst thing that's ever happened ever.

2010-01-17T04:21:00.005-06:00

It's just a bad movie.

GLotion: It's a Game Changer.

2010-01-09T01:56:00.012-06:00

I invented a product tonight friends. And I think it has promise. How many times in your life have you been sitting there with dry hands, in agony, yet not ready to surrender the use of your hands to greasy and awful lotions? Probably a lot of times. You cant just get your keyboard dirty, and this isn't an option:

No friends, it's a new decade, you're in the future now, and in our world of uncleanable keyboards and touch screens, it's hard to just sit back and let your hands moisturize, so I present to you, an option for a bright future: GLotion!

Gloves + Lotion = GLotion

Imagine just sitting down at your laptop, and being able to simultaneously fix your rough and dry hands. It'd be a perfect world.

GLotion is a pretty simple product.

It arrives on your doorstep in a pretty box. Inside it are special GLotion Gloves™ made of high class rubber extract from Ginko Trees in Northern Africa, and amazing GLotion Lotion™ made from all sorts of soft and soothing extacts from Swedish Mountains, and processed in Grandma GLotion™'s Super Secret Science Lab/Olde Style Family Kitchen. With the combination of these two technologies, your hands will be covered in protective love, that is easily filled with soothing lotion. Now you can do all the typing you want! This is the American Dream!!

U-S-A!

U-S-A!!

So yeah. Look for invites to the focus group.

If Robots take Over the World, the iPhone will be their Jesus.

2010-01-06T13:44:00.009-06:00

2010 has started. A new decade is underway, and naturally everyone is trying to decide what the new hot technology of the decade will be, and people have started talking about smart phones. These advances in phones over the past few years have revolutionized our lives, and there's undoubtedly been one smart phone that's way better than the rest. The iPhone. So of course, since the iPhone is better than all the other smart phones, all people talk about is the constant quest of other phone companies to create the "iPhone Killer" AKA a phone that will overcome the iphone as king of all awesome. Well I've got some bad news for other phone companies. There is no iPhone killer. The iPhone is the killer. And it kills for fun.

I recently became a part of the iPhone army this past christmas morning, so I now know first hand how it made everything about my life about 5 times better. When I opened that little phone up, I'm pretty sure a chorus of angels lined up to high five me. Here's just a quick list of things the iPhone does that I love.

1. I don't get lost anymore. I got turn by turn directions to a place I've been going for years, and found a faster way. Boom.

2. My music is on my phone.

3. All my favorite internet stuff is at my fingertips.

4. I have an ocarina now.

5. Fucking Papi Jump.

6. I can locate local sex offenders so I know where not to go. Or moreso so I can come to terms with the fact that I am constantly surrounded.

Now here's the kicker. The biggest competitors for the iPhone do most of these things. Droid, and this new google creature, the Nexus, both have most of those features, so why aren't they iPhone killers? Well here's the thing. They aren't the iPhone.

The fatal error of all companies trying to compete with the iPhone is a complete underestimation of the power of being simple, trendy, and stylish. Let's look at the iPhone, and 2 of its recent and most hyped competitors.

Here's the iPhone we all know and love.

Here's its competitors, in order, the droid and the nexus.

Now what I notice at first glance between these three is the complete lack of attention paid to aesthetics on the competition. Look at the iPhone! It's beautiful! Smooth, sleek, made of shiny plastic and shinier metal. With a simple icon layout that's really approachable and easy to use, and a marketing campaign that basically makes an iPhone an essential part of being hip or trendy in this generation. I could care less that Droid has all the same apps. Wanna know why? It's square, its heavy looking, and the screen reminds me of Windows. (I dont know who shares my philosophy on this, but after watching the slow decay of my old family computer, whenever I see the Windows operating system style, I'm filled with old feelings of depression, because I feel like no matter how hard I try, it will be slow and unreliable.) Plus the background of droids desktop appears to be static. Plus what's that little box at the bottom center of the screen? I don't know, and I dont plan on finding out, because new and complicated things scare me as a consumer. The Droid banks on a marketing campaign that tries to make it seem like a badass and rebellious alternative to the iPhone, with its bold slogan, "DROID DOES." but quite frankly, no one cares what Droid does, and no one will. People don't buy phones to be rebels. They buy them to seem like individual, while simultaneously being able to have the hottest trends that everyone wants.

Now as for the nexus, it's getting there desktop screen wise, it looks easy enough to navigate, but what's the body? It looks like an old palm pilot with a nipple. Honestly, I don't really think anything needs to be said beyond that. I don't want my phone to have a nipple.

In the end, unless something IS the iPhone, it has no hope against the iPhone. Apple has done a beautiful job of making all of its products simple and efficient, and using brilliant marketing to make them the trendiest thing this side of the globe. So stop trying to find the iPhone killer. Really until the trends shift to something else pretty and new and probably made by Apple, your only hope is to be an iPhone survivor that maybe lives to make modest profits. Just maybe.

The End of a Decade!

2010-01-01T06:07:00.000-06:00

Alright, Guess who's back. It's the end of a decade so I'm going to do a bunch of cool stuff. Watch for it!

1. Top 5 Games of the Decade (December 11th)

2. Top 25 Songs of the Decade (December 15th)

3. Top 10 Albums of the Decade (December 21st)

4. Top 5 Tv Shows of the Decade (December 23rd)

5. Top 10 Movies of the Decade (December 30th)

Click anything to get started!

The Top Ten Movies of the Decade

2009-12-30T15:48:00.020-06:00

The movies are a great escape from real life, and in the 2000s, we all were in need of a lot of little breaks. So it's time for the big one folks, my personal favorite, The Top Ten Movies of the 2000s. So without further rambling, let's see what's on the list...

10. Casino Royale (2006)

A stunning revival of the Bond franchise with a whole new level of seriousness. Featuring the unexpectedly great performance of new Bond, Daniel Craig, this movie set a new standard for a formerly campy and stagnant franchise. With its only weak points to audiences being extended scenes of poker playing replacing excessive action, it truly shined with its strengths which were in plot and character development. What was a great beginning to the new Bond franchise was cut somewhat short by the extremely disappointing follow up, Quantum of Solace.

9. Walk Hard (2007)

At first glance, Walk Hard is just another comedy, vulgar, goofy, and featuring John C. Reily. However, where Walk Hard differentiates itself from the rest is its features as a parody. With half of the parody being done in the casting itself, which such hilarious choices as having Frankie Muniz play Buddy Holly, or having Jack White play Elvis, the movie seals the deal with songs depicting different musical styles in a hilarious manner. Throw in some general hilariousness and inappropriate jokes, and you've got yourself a great movie.

8. The Darjeeling Limited (2007)

Though, in many peoples eyes, the following statement is punishable with death, The Darjeeling Limited is my favorite Wes Anderson film. With richly developed characters who share a brotherly relationship so real that it feel as though you're at a family dinner, this movie endears you to its possibly far fetched concept quickly. In the film three brothers share a vacation traveling by train through India in order to reaffirm their relationships with each other, and work through their own personal problems. With a wonderful soundtrack featuring some rarely heard songs by The Kinks, and a beautiful setting, this movie is hard not to love. So who says this can't be my favorite Wes Anderson movie? After all was Royal Tenenbaums really all that amazing?

7. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)

The Lord of the Rings trilogy maintained a standard of excellence that earned this particular chapter basically every oscar ever. While a bit overlong (especially on the dvd version), the film still never let up in how interesting and exciting it was, as we finally got to see the most epic film journey of the 2000's, and possibly all time, come to a close.

6. Where the Wild Things Are (2009)

Where the Wild Things Are is based on a book that is under 20 pages. So it seems to be a bit crazy to think that the source material was turned into such a rich tapestry of beauty and childlike wonder. With director Spike Jonze at the helm, the movie was definitely going to be different than most that you see, but luckily Jonze put together a beautiful visual world in the land of the Wild Things, and characters that were easy to relate to, while still maintaining a unique style. With a perfect soundtrack done by Yeah Yeah Yeah's Karen O, the movie stands as a testament to how wonderful childrens movies can be for people of all ages. The only real way to describe this movie and do it any justice would be to say that it's like being 11 again, if only for a precious few hours.

5. (500) Days of Summer (2009)

Sometimes it doesn't hurt to play to a crowd and stick to a stereotype. It gives you a chance to expand the concept a bit. 500 Days of Summer sounds like just another indie romance movie at first glance. Two witty hipsters lost in their own relationship troubles, while set to a wonderful soundtrack. However, 500 Days of Summer really becomes its own because of the performances of the leading couple, Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon Levitt, both of whom knock their role out of the ballpark. With very interesting direction by Marc Webb, this movie stands out from the crowd, and then some.

4. Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

The beginning of the Lord of the Rings trilogy created a lot of anticipation for future continuations of the series. With the obvious successes that made the rest of the movies in the franchise so successful, where this particular installment really shined was in its setting of the overall tone and scene of middle earth and the shire, with soundtrack and set choices that almost made you nostalgic for a place that's fictional.

3. Big Fish (2003)

Typically, I'm not a fan of Tim Burton. Now I'll admit I haven't seen any of the movies I'm about to make fun of, but correct me if I'm wrong when I say that movies like Coraline and stuff are all just set ups for new tee shirts for emo tweens to buy at Hot Topic, while still harkening back to their bible, The Nightmare Before Christmas. With that being said, Big Fish is one of the most beautiful movies I've ever seen, so maybe live action is what it takes for Tim Burton not to make me angry, but this tale of a man who was awesome at everything really tugs at the heart in all the right ways, as much a story about the age of American story telling as it is a story about a father and son finally getting to know eachother. The movie is amazing, though I feel like the movie would have better merchandise if all the characters were skeletons of some kind.

2. Lord of the Rings : The Two Towers (2002)

With consistent character development, action, and adventure found in the previous installment, The Two Towers shined as my personal favorite in the series mostly because of its inclusion of the most well made battle scene in film history and an ending fit for any movie viewer, that left me almost more satisfied than I was at the end of the entire trilogy itself.

1. Dark Knight (2008)

Really? No one saw this coming? This movie made Batman cool again! With the almost excessively honored, but in no way overrated performance of Heath Ledger as the Joker, this movie already had everything it needed to be a success, however the movie stepped it up a notch with a script so well written, that it's still hard to believe after all this time that this movie didn't get a Best Picture nomination. After all, the themes of this movie were themes that purveyed through this past decade. A lack of trust for those around you, a constant questioning of our own decisions, and the pursuit of some sort of peace, even if it's nearly impossible to reach. Who knew that Batman was the one who knew us best? Because, in a way, it feels like everywhere in the world has a little of Gotham City in it somewhere.

The Top 5 TV Shows of the Decade

2009-12-27T14:02:00.015-06:00

(Is static even a thing anymore?)

Let's face it, in the 2000's TV became an even bigger presence in our lives. As the number of options expanded, and access to it became a matter of opening up one's laptop, what we watched became very important to us, as we followed our favorite characters through their daily exploits. So here's my picks for the Top 5 TV Shows of the Decade.

5. The Daily Show with Jon Stewart

Though the Daily Show is never sneaky about the fact that it's a comedic news show, somewhere along the way, it became one of the more valid, honest, bold sources of news on the market today. In one instance, when Jon Stewart Interviewed Jim Cramer of Mad Money fame about some ethical challenges towards him that had recently come to light, it was made very clear that the Daily Show wasn't just a comedy show. Jon Stewart has become my generation's pundit of choice, covering news, but in a deadpan, hilarious, irreverent way that will never get old.

4. Chuck

Chuck has almost been taken off the air twice now, and I have no idea why. The show is essentially designed and engineered specifically for men. The show is about a nerdy, regular guy who gets a super computer full of government secrets downloaded into his brain. This transforms his life into a mix of explosions, adventure, and an unprecedented number of attractive women. However the show keeps running into trouble, and it scares me that this funny and interesting show will end up being a prime case of not knowing what you've got until it's gone.

3. Mad Men

Speaking of shows specifically designed for men, Mad Men is another prime example. The show is about the lives of advertising men on Madison Avenue in the early 1960's. At the time, that job essentially consisted of scotch, smoking pipes, and sexism. The main character, Don Draper, an ingenuitive and suave-as-all-hell Creative director, played flawlessly by Jon Hamm (Mizzou Grad!) is the type of man that every man wants to be. Interesting, good looking, wealthy, good at his job, great with women, all while still having a smokin' hot wife. Not to mention that the show is filmed and written just beautifully, almost giving off a cinematic impression rather than that of a television show. Though only on its third season, Mad Men could truly be one of the best and most influential television shows in recent history.

2. 30 Rock

In a time where Jersey Shore exists, it's hard to believe that there's something smart left on tv. 30 Rock is becoming less known as "the funniest show you're not watching" and is finally starting to get some momentum out there in the world, which is comforting. Every character is played wonderfully, from Tina Fey's awkward and self conscious Liz Lemon, to Alec Baldwin's smooth talking businessman, Jack Donaghy. With great supporting characters all over the place, as well as hilarious and relevant jokes, 30 Rock is always a safe bet.

1. Scrubs

For the 8 years scrubs was on the air, it was consistently funny, thoughtful, interesting, and extremely accessible. For those living under a rock for the past decade, the premise of Scrubs is about the journey of a group of med students from residency in medicine and onward throughout their careers. Though funny and engaging, where scrubs has really succeeded over the years is in its fusion of humor and drama to create very true to life situations and characters. The series, ending perfectly this year (What ABC is advertising is a spin off, weather or not they've decided to name it as such), and ended an 8 year television legacy, and leaving me wondering if anything as endearing or refreshing will be hitting the airwaves in the next decade...

The Top 10 Albums of the 2000's

2009-12-19T15:25:00.016-06:00

Here's my personal favorite list of all to make. Mostly because you have my personal guarantee that Kid A is nowhere to be found on it. Anyone reading lists has seen about enough of that album. In a decade where the mainstream began to embrace Indie, and in certain cases, Indie began to embrace the mainstream, there was a lot of great music to be had. So enough talk, let's get down to what matters. So here it is, my top 10 albums of the decade.

10. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix - (2009, V2)

Best Tracks: Lisztomania, 1901, Love Like a Sunset

Reason for picking: This french group, though having been around for a while, really jumped onto the "Indie conquering the mainstream" train with not only an SNL performance, but an awesome album to boot. With a title just audacious enough to be awesome, and songs with hooks that won't leave your head for days, Phoenix spends this entire album proving that indie music isn't incapable of producing some real, fun, and legitimatly good, top 100 style pop.

9. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head - (2002, Capitol)

Best Tracks: Clocks, The Sceintist, In my Place

Reason for picking: A classic album to say the least. Airy and relaxed, with songs that flow beautifully into eachother, giving the whole album great continuity. With the album not only providing some of the biggest hits of the early 2000's, it showed the enduring influence of British music on the mainstream.

8. Kanye West- The College Dropout - (2004, Roc-A-Fella)

Best Tracks: Jesus Walks, Family Business

Reason for Picking: Bringing hip hop back to an art form, and with throwbacks to classic R&B, Kanye spawned a decade's worth of influence for the entire genre, while simultaneously breaking the boring lyrical trends of Hip Hop in the 2000's for something more personal and meaningful, but without being preachy or annoying.

7. The National - Boxer - (2007, Beggars Banquet)

Best Tracks: Fake Empire, Start a War

Reason for Picking: Maintaining a certain calm aesthetic, this album really just brings it home with a unique sound that's a mix between nostalgic and fresh. Though not the first effort from The National, it seemed to give The National some real mainstream attention as its songs were used in a lot of popular media including a personal favorite of mine, NBC's Chuck. This album showed a promising new style for the band that one can only hope they maintain in future efforts.

6. Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning - (2005, Saddle Creek)

Best Tracks: Poison Oak, At the Bottom of Everything, Lua

Reason For Picking: With a sound that throws you back, this album is grade A proof that classic folk is not dead.

5. Sufjan Stevens - Illinois - (2005, Asthmatic Kitty)

Best Tracks: Chicago, Casmir Pulaski Day

Reason for Picking: Full of energy and fun, while still capable of being serious, this album does my home state's name good. If only Sufjan Stevens could get around to making more music. That'd be nice.

4. The Hold Steady - Boys and Girls in America - (2006, Vagrant)

Best Tracks: Stuck Between Stations, First Night, Southtown Girls

Reason for Picking: It seems as though classic rock style songs about partying will never get old, especially not when paired with the lyrical ability of Craig Finn.

3. Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago - (2008, Jagjaguwar)

Best Tracks: Skinny Love, Flume

Reason for Picking: An unexpectedly awesome debut album, with a wintry overtone that just couldn't be better. This album leaves me extremely optimistic for future works from this group.

2. The White Stripes - Elephant - (2003, V2)

Best Tracks: Seven Nation Army, Black Math, Girl You Have no Faith in Medecine

Reason for Picking: The White Stripes were undoubtedly one of the most influential bands of the 2000's, with a revolutionary minimalist concept, and influences older than most of their fans, and this album represents the White Stripes at their peak. With such

1. Funeral - Arcade Fire - (2004, Merge)

Bringing a new level of honesty and energy to indie rock, and speaking about relationships,
growing older, and just about the general ups and downs of life, Arcade Fire's debut album set a new standard for music in the next decade. With one of the few bands that seems capable of inspiring people, and an album that revives the art of listening to an album from start to finish, Arcade Fire get a beautiful 10/10 for this one. Let's see if they can do better.

Best Tracks: Wake Up, Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)

The Top 25 Songs of the 2000's

2009-12-14T04:34:00.017-06:00

It's not easily that I Make these lists, and it gives me a sensation similar to that of choosing between my own children, or so I assume. Know that these lists are made based off of personal preference and relevance, and with the idea in mind that I'll get to do some fun debating about what people agree and disagree with, and hopefully some of you will throw your own lists into the ring.

25. 1901 - Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

24. Steady, As She Goes - The Raconteurs - Broken Boy Soldiers

23. May You Hearts Stay Strong - Cloud Cult - Feel Good Ghosts

22. The Denial Twist - The White Stripes - Get Behind Me, Satan

21. Casmir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens - Illinois

20. Lisztomania - Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

19. The Way We Get By - Spoon - Kill the Moonlight

18. Daylight - Matt & Kim - Grand

17. The Deaf Girl's Song - Cloud Cult - The Meaning of 8

16. Lose Yourself - Emineim - 8 Mile Soundtrack

15. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs - Fever to Tell

14. Fake Empire - The National - Boxer

13. Do You Realize??? - The Flaming Lips - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots

12. Mr. Brightside - The Killers - Hot Fuss

11. I Will Follow you Into the Dark - Death Cab for Cutie - Plans

10. Rockin' The Suburbs - Ben Folds - Rockin' the Suburbs

This one comes from the pioneering album of Ben Folds' very successful solo career, though it can be argued that Ben Folds has only ever had a solo career considering he wrote the majority of the good songs by the Ben Folds Five, which directly led to his dropping of the band. This song does a great job of sounding great and and being very light hearted, while still poking fun at himself with his, as always, well written lyrics. Fun fact, this is also my personal pump up song.

9. Hotel Yorba - The White Stripes - White Blood Cells

Fun, light, and simple. Three words that can sum up a good portion of The White Stripes in their prime. If anything, this song stands as a testament to the high quality of not just this particular album, but the White Stripes discography in its entirety.

8. When You Were Young - The Killers- Sam's Town

Assuming you listened to the radio at some point during or after 2006, you know this song by heart, and quite frankly anyone who doesn't think the song is deserving of some form or recognition has fallen victim of a terrible case of hipsterism. This song will always remind me, quite Cliche-ly of all those perfect moments of youth, and I don't doubt that this will be one that my kids hear when they look back at the best songs of my generation.

7. Anonanimal - Andrew Bird - Noble Beast

Though a tad partial to Andrew Bird, it's obvious that this song, as well as the rest of his music, is sensational. With a calm opening section, showcasing Bird's skill with a violin, the song kicks into a relaxed rock interlude that really just pulls the whole song together. This song keeps me consistently relaxed, and needless to say it's been pretty heavily played over these past few weeks during final projects and exams.

6. Float On - Modest Mouse - Good News for People Who Love Bad News

Another one that just dominated the radio for years, this song brought Modest Mouse into yet another generation of kids' radars, and that opening guitar riff is definitely one of the most recognizable and catchy of the past decade, with the only possible competition coming from "Seven Nation Army" by The White Stripes.

5. Fake Palindromes - Andrew Bird - The Mysterious Production of Eggs

Sneaking back into the top ten, Andrew Bird continues to impress the world. Instead of being long winded, I'm just going to show you all this video. Play on, Mr. Bird, Play on.

4. First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes - I'm Wide Awake, It's Morning

In the music world today, it's not often that we get the chance to hear a song that is so honest and simple, especially one about love. Paired with the song's music video, it's simply beautiful, and this song is my personal favorite love song of all time.

3. Wake Up - Arcade Fire - Funeral

Arcade Fire doesn't have much of a discography built up yet, possibly because, according to Wayne Coyne of The Flaming Lips, they're dicks. But assholes or not, they know how to make a good album, and better yet, a great song. Strong, and with a clear message, this song is fantastic both instrumentally and lyrically, leaving the world hoping that Arcade Fire can give us something new in the coming year, or at the very least, in the coming decade. Please?

2. Skinny Love - Bon Iver - For Emma, Forever Ago

What "First Day of My Life" is for love songs, Skinny Love is for songs about loss. It's evident not only in the music, a painfully weak but beautiful guitar melody, and in the depressingly detailed lyrics, but in the way singer Justin Vernon plays and sings the song that this song is of great personal value to him, and with good reason. In not only the recorded version, but in every live version you can find on youtube, the song is sung with the voice of someone who's been hurt and broken by someone they really cared about, which is a feeling that most people of any age can relate to and respect. New listeners beware, this song will bum you out, but it does so in the best way possible.

1. Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down - The Better Life

It seems almost unfair that the best song of the decade came out just over a month into it. At this point, people reading are going to be torn in one of two directions. Either you are on the side that grew up listening to the radio, and knows that to this day, this song is amazing, and the well deserved holder of the title of "Best song of the New Millenium So Far." Then there's the other side that apparently has lived under a rock, where no one has radios, or mix cds from friends, and they clearly just haven't heard this song, or are embarassed to admit that that song we all loved in 3rd grade is still awesome.

The Top 5 Games of the 2000's

2009-12-11T09:11:00.006-06:00

Like any red blooded American male, I love a good video game, and let's be honest, these past ten years have been pretty awesome for video games, so needless to say, this was a tough list to make. But let's get right into it! Here's the best and brightest of the past decade!

5. Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009)

This game was RIDICULOUS. If one could actually be Batman in real life, I'm not even sure it would be as cool as this game. With a pretty sweet story and an awesome play style, the game just didn't let you get bored, despite some amount of repetition. Go and buy it, being Batman is fun.

4. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 (2009)

Call me a trend follower all you want, this game was amazing. If you're the type who didn't buy it for just the amazing hours of multiplayer, you got to see the campaign, the ending of which, (Spoiler alert) consisted of you, pulling a goddamned knife out of your chest, and throwing it through a guy's face. All that aside, they managed to completely overhaul the multiplayer while still making it all feel vaguely familiar. Infinity Ward, on behalf of all college males, Thank You.

3. Portal (2007)

Portal was like nothing any of us had even played before. With a concept that seemed silly, portal created a game that was not only exciting and challenging, but goofy and fun as well. The game really took puzzle games to a whole new level, and was made with the typical attention to detail that I've come to expect from Valve.

2. Bioshock (2007)

What's really left to say about Bioshock? Should I talk about the amazing plot? Or maybe the fact that the game lets you shoot fire out of your goddamned hands? I think I'll just leave it with the fact that Bioshock was not so much a game, but a movie you could play. It created a style and an environment and maintained itself so flawlessly that it felt almost entirely cinematic. I highly recommend it to anyone who likes things.

1. Half Life 2 (2004)

Its been 5 years since Half Life 2 came out, and I still don't think there's been a better game released since then. The plot? Awesome. The playstyle? Fluid and flawless. The Graphics? Still holding up even after having 5 years to age. In short, this game should be the stick by which we measure all games, because it's going to be a good long time before anything this awesome comes out again.

Zombieland: Reviewed AKA Woody Harrelson can be as funny as Simon Pegg

2009-10-26T13:31:00.011-05:00

It's nice to know that there can be lighter hearted horror movies that aren't based around the concept of "Super Chill Sexy Vampire Teens." It's also nice to know that the industry is capable of releasing a good horror movie that isn't a torture porn along the lines of Saw (XII? XIV? Where are they now?) and the like.

However, the NICEST thing to know is that these two types of movies can be melded into one. That movie being this fall's biggest surprise, Zombieland. I hadn't really heard anything about this movie at all until it got released, and I was really pleasantly surprised. Zombieland basically gave us a new, and in my opinion, better, version of Shaun of the Dead.

What Zombieland did, was bring the classic Zombie genre back into the public eye, with a bit of new flare. Characters in the movie focus less on practicality and realism, and more on old fashioned awesomness. They use double barrel shotguns, that with their extremely long reload time, tend to get people killed in zombie movies. However, its as though movie-God realizes how bad-ass the shotgun is, and cuts the characters some slack. It's little things like this that set Zombieland apart from other movies. Also, Emma Stone being ridiculously attractive doesn't hurt the movie's cause at all either.

As for the characters and the plot, Jesse Eisenberg, seemingly with a fetish for Amusement Park movies, provides witty and funny narration over the duration of the movie, giving us a set of rules for surviving a zombie attack, that on paper make Columbus (Eisenberg) seem a perfectly adequate survivalist, however within the first 10 minutes of the movie, it's made abundantly clear that Columbus wouldn't be getting too far without the backup support of new traveling partner/father figure/twinkie lover, Tallahassee, played hilariously by Woody Harrelson. The movie adds a bit of depth to his character by giving him a past, and a family he's lost, but doesn't dwell too long on the sad parts. The plot advances pretty predictably, but that receives no complaints from me as the plot just keeps getting more fun, with a celebrity cameo that you won't be forgetting anytime soon.

If this review sounds as long winded as it feels, then you'll be glad to hear I'm going to bring it to a close now. Zombieland was a very good movie, and a suitable new wearer of the Best Zombie Comedy crown. With plenty of guns and gore, but with a great sense of humor, Zombieland will most certainly be finding a home in my dvd collection.

The Awesometer:

1 [-------------8---] 10

an 8 Eh?

That's about as awesome as:

Finding your old Big Wheel in the garage, Mom DIDN'T give it away!

Being in a boat crash, but being saved by dolphins

KFC's New Manly-Ass Double Down Sandwich

I feel like I've seen this somewhere before...

Andrew Bird Concert Review.

2009-10-02T13:19:00.000-05:00

This story begins with a brief, but important confession of bias. Andrew Bird is one of my favorite musicians of all time, and consequently, I have seen him live before. Twice before to be precise. However, walking into the Blue Note this past Thursday night, I knew I was in for something different. My past live experiences with Andrew Bird had been at Chicago’s Civic Opera House, a venue that can only be described as colossal, and at Lollapalooza, an outdoor festival with a crowd to big to be contained by any building. However, in the Blue Note’s intimate setting, Bird truly shined like never before, playing songs both new and old, all the while conversing with the crowd, making for a show that none of the audience will be forgetting anytime soon.

The show began with a short set from St. Vincent, the group currently touring with Bird through the Midwest. Having not heard of St. Vincent up until the point of the show, I found myself pleasantly surprised with their sound. With frontwoman Annie Clark looking like another cute, young, indie artist, the crowd was treated to something else entirely, a sound that bordered on electronica, while still staying fun with a pop based sound. The music had a distinct and unexpected darkness to it that really added another level to the show, as Clark danced like the world’s most adorable robot, to the steady beat of songs like “Your Lips are Red.” St. Vincent left the stage, but not without piquing my curiosity, and the curiosity of most of the crowd. After a brief break, the lights went down, and Andrew Bird took the stage.

Andrew Bird jumps right into his set, kicking off his shoes, putting a sock monkey on top of one of the speakers, and starting with a crowd favorite, Fiery Crash. Throughout the show, the benefits of the close quarters setting become apparent as Bird spoke with the crowd, discussing the MKT bike trail, life in general, and most interesting, his thought process on a new song he showcased for the crowd entitled, “Lusitania.” The show continued with Bird playing through songs not heard as often live such as “Opposite Day” and “The Birthday Song.” The show came to an apparent end with Bird’s most popular song, “Fake Palindromes,” however an encore was given without much coercion as Bird played the song, “Why,” which became a sort of dialogue between Bird and the crowd, as he shook and waved around the stage. The show finished off with “Tables and Chairs,” ending the show on the highest possible note, and waving to the crowd as he picked up his sock monkey and left the stage.

If Andrew Bird has his way, at the end of the world there will be no elaborate judgement day, no violent doom, only a party with pony rides, dancing bears, and most importantly, snacks. It’s not hard to buy into his philosophy on life after spending an hour and a half listening to this man play, as he truly seems to put himself into everything song, showing an unbelievable amount of focus and enthusiasm for what he’s doing. The only thing that two of Andrew Bird’s shows have in common is that they leave anyone fortunate enough to be in the audience happy with not only their evening, but with life.

Next Review!

2009-09-25T22:12:00.001-05:00

http://move.themaneater.com/stories/2009/9/25/muses-__the-resistance__-isnt-futile/

First Maneater Review!!

2009-09-01T02:38:00.009-05:00

Below is my first published article in the University of Missouri paper, The Maneater, Check it out, and check the awesome official website version here.

Humbug a failed experiment

New Arctic Monkeys album is change we don't need.

By Dan Sheehan

Published Sept. 1, 2009

The Arctic Monkeys stormed onto the music scene in 2006 and took no prisoners, as their debut album became one of the fastest selling albums in British history. With front man Alex Turner's incredibly detailed and insightful lyrics and powerful instrumentals, the Arctic Monkeys quickly made a name for themselves, proving they were going to be sticking around for a while.

With smash hits like "I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor," the Arctic Monkeys rocketed into mainstream fame, getting radio play and festival appearances alike. Now, three successful years later, Arctic Monkeys have found themselves on the center stage of the music world and in an attempt to keep the world interested, the band tried doing things a little differently this time.

From a band that's been known for its energetic and aggressive sound, their newest album, Humbug, seems to venture into a bit of a darker, more reserved direction. The lyrics, though still interesting, touch different topics from the usually lighter fare about partying and having fun the Arctic Monkeys have put forth in the past.

With lyrics such as, "Your past-times/consisted of the strange/the twisted and deranged/I loved that little game," it's clear the band has departed not only from their usual topics, but potentially from their old genre altogether. In leaving behind their aggressive, overly rambunctious roots, the Arctic Monkeys test the boundaries of their hard-earned mainstream status, seeing just how much they can really do with their sound. And they show a lot of range with potential for future change and experimentation through new sounds.

The band's use of different techniques and new instruments, such as organs, create a much darker, almost sinister sound that works very well on tracks such as "Pretty Visitors," but less successfully on the clichéd spelled-out chorus of "Dangerous Animals."

With this less upbeat style, the Arctic Monkeys have taken a lot of risks, showing they're very capable, not only of stretching their limits, but redefining their sound. Unfortunately, the album makes some pretty heavy sacrifices in overall album quality in doing so. Granted, Humbug is not a bad album, not by far. The songs are interesting and enjoyable, but they lack what makes the Arctic Monkeys the Arctic Monkeys.

By giving up on the high energy sound fans have grown so fond of, the album never really succeeds in taking off, flirting several times with its true potential, only to once again lose energy and delve into more depressing riffs.

It might seem unorthodox to recommend that a band experiment less, but in the case of the Arctic Monkeys, it would seem sound advice. When a band is famous for making fun, energetic music, it's a bit of a shock to one's senses when they put out an album that can best be described as morose. Although musically entertaining, Humbug has little potential to be listened to multiple times and will tend to leave most diehard Arctic Monkeys fans disappointed in the end.

P2K? More like P2....P2....uh..Pitchfork sucks.

2009-08-21T03:15:00.008-05:00

For any of you music lovers out there who read pitchfork, you've probably been made aware of the fact that Pitchfork put out their top 500 songs of the decade, and I've been following this for the past days and up until this morning, I was SO PROUD of those little hipsters. Their Top 500 list was giving shout outs not just to the indie music that defined the decade, but to everything that defined the decade, even the songs that we wouldn't like to admit, (Cry Me a River - Justin Timberlake) but then Pitchfork had to prove that they can't help but be Indie Kids, by naming the song "B.O.B." by Outkast as their number 1 song of the 2000's.

You just read the name of that song and mentally asked your self, "What the hell?"

Yeah. Me too.

Now Pitchfork had been doing SO well combining mainstream and indie into a pretty comprehensive list of great songs from the last 10 years, and they had to go and mess it up with one song left by picking a song that, to quote the article justifying their choice, "Sadly never dented the top 100."

Now that's indie kid talk for "We know about this one song by a popular artist, and you do not. We know more about music than you."

Honestly, its just annoying and pretentious and I don't know why I keep reading their site, but no one else unearths the sheer volume of new music that they do on a daily basis. Call me a glutton for punishment, but I'm still itching to see their top 200 albums of the 2000's even though number one will be the, in my opinion, overrated Kid A by Radiohead.

If Pitchfork really wanted to keep hold of the position of most influential music magazine, they really could stand to embrace the mainstream just a little bit more. Being musically pretentious doesn't make you cooler than anyone else. Even when John Cusack did it, it wasn't cool, it was just good for a laugh.

Case and Point:

These guys are pitchfork. For serious.

Pitchforks List on the Awesometer?

1 [------5-----] 10

A 5. That's straight up average. They worked really hard to make a good list but then went and ruined it. Now they get this.

That's about as awesome as:

Ordering a sandwich and having it arrive on time, with proper ingredients.
Finding out that your bag of M&Ms has an abundance of browns.
Losing Your cell phone for a few minutes, but later finding it was in your pocket all along.

Oh. There it is. That was a close one.

Lollapalooza 2009!

2009-08-11T02:06:00.014-05:00

As was evident from the delay on my usual 2-hours-after-seeing-the-movie review, I have been busy these past few days. With what you ask? Lollapalooza. To keep the typical comments about this festival to a minimum, Lollapalooza was by far the best 3 days I have had in a long time, and was jam packed with some of the best live shows I have ever seen. I figured I'd just review the bands that were worth talking about in a quick paragraph or two so that you all know who to buy tickets to see if they come to your town!

Bon Iver:

Since I heard one of Bon Iver's songs featured on one of my favorite TV shows, Chuck, I have been hooked on everything they have released. Bon Iver has a beautiful wintery aesthetic that is undoubtly the product of the fact that the brains of the outfit, Justin Vernon, wrote most of the songs he has released while spending a winter in a cabin in the northern portion of Wisconsin. For my copious amount of foreign readers unfamiliar with Wisconsin, shit's cold.

While his recorded works are serene and quiet, with layered vocals and little more than just an acoustic guitar, Bon Iver live is an entirely different experience. Playing with 3 musicians backing him, Vernon's voice doesn't sing alone, but still manages to be a haunting presence floating over the crowd. However, playing as a part of a quartet, Vernon finds himself with an electric guitar, drum set, and other fun instruments, and the group makes great use of them, turning already fantastic songs like Blood Bank from relaxed ballads into a showcase of thumping bass and potent guitar skill, creating a situation where Bon Iver the recording artist and Bon Iver the performers could quite honestly be classified as two different, albeit utterly intwined, groups.

Also Skinny Love is as mesmerizing live as anyone could ever imagine. Blew my mind.

Ben Folds:

There's not a whole lot to say about Ben Folds that the world doesn't already know, he's a fantastic musician, and it really shows in his live performances. I'd dare to say that, unless Sufjan Stevens is AWESOME, Ben Folds is the best pianist out there right now.

As for his Lolla performance, I regrettably was pretty far back in the crowd because Bon Iver ran right into the beginning of his show, so the people around me probably didn't even know who they were going to see. That was unfortunate merely because half the fun of a concert is being surrounded by an enthusiastic crowd. However, Ben Folds tore up the show live, improvising piano solos left and right, and more or less playing a laundry list of hits and lesser known great songs. The intense rain that day seemed to keep him from taking part in any of the on-stage antics he's known for, but it didn't matter too much seeing as he still managed to turn the crowd into a horn section at the end of Army, and that made me ridiculously happy. The whole show just made me wish that I could go to a full Ben Folds concert because 45 minutes is far too little time for a musician with Ben Folds' body of work. If you have the chance to see Ben Folds, see him. Don't think twice.

Andrew Bird:

Andrew Bird may very well be the best live musician I have ever seen in my life. Bird, being an accomplished violinist, guitarist, singer, and whistler, is in no way short on talent, but live, he mixes it up a bit. Using a recording device, Bird records himself playing various parts of songs, and loops them, to give the unique experience of a one man band. Except for the fact that he also has a band. Andrew Bird doesn't dissapoint live, giving the crowd constant entertainment with his improvised whistle solos, and violin interludes between songs. Bird also sells it with a sense of utter gratitude to the crowd. As a Chicago native, when Bird said, "Home town shows always scare me, it's because I care about you guys!" and it wasn't hard to believe that he meant it, as on stage Bird's presence is extremely focused, almost compulsive, as he seems to be so consumed by the music he plays. Andrew Bird never failed for a minute to keep me utterly captivated by each song he played, and even suceeded in making me enjoy songs of his that previously hadn't been high on my list of favorites. If given the chance to see him, Andrew Bird is not an act to miss. Having seen him twice, I am utterly and entirely hooked, and every time I youtube the videos from his shows, I just start counting the days until I can hear Fake Palindromes live again.

Animal Collective

When recorded, I'm a pretty big fan of Animal Collective. As Merriweather Post Pavillion proved, they still know how to make a great album. However, that being said, when performing live, Animal Collective is boring and terrible. Allow me to elaborate.

Animal Collective started their set with a very slow build to an as of yet unreleased song, which was fine. It isn't abnormal to start a set with some built up suspense, Andrew Bird does it all the time. However, between songs, it seemed as though the slow build was getting beaten to death as it was used as an interlude almost every time. However, it could hardly be called an interlude when the "songs" that it introduced were little more than mixes and hybrid of various parts of other Animal Collective songs, none of which were coherent enough to truly be enjoyed. To my recollection, really only one song was played in its entirety (Brother Sport), and it wasn't even the song that would've been perfect for the occassion (Summertime Clothes, the weather was ridiculously hot.) Now, while I can't expect the band to adhere to my personal ideal set list, I think it isn't too much to ask to hear a song or two. If Animal Collective comes to your town, save yourself some money, buy a sandwich or something fun.

Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Now, when I heard that Beastie Boys frontman Adam Yauch was (POOR TASTE BEASTIE BOYS/SICKNESS JOKE ALERT) too ill to perform, I was extremely dissappointed, especially considering I was never a huge Yeah Yeah Yeahs fan. I knew the same hit song everyone else did. However, Yeah Yeah Yeahs knew how to put on a fun show, and had a really fun stage presence. They had the energy and enthusiasm of an up and coming band playing on one of the festival's tiniest stages, clearly playing their biggest show ever, and loving every minute of it. Karen O's shrill but beautiful voice filled Grant Park with some sweet tunes, and an acoustic version of Maps, despite some botched lyrics, proved a wonderful way to calm down after a very tiring day.

The Killers

Well, where do I begin here? The Killers wrote the songs that soundtracked my teen years, and despite not being a fan of their more recent work, I was excited to see them. However, I had no idea that the show put on would be so incredible.

The Killers know what it takes to write an amazing set list, starting with some lesser hit songs like "Human" and "Somebody Told Me" to get me hooked into the show, and utterly willing to dance along to songs I don't know the words to, and ending with their greatest hit songs, "Mr. Brightside," "All These Things That I've Done," and "When You Were Young." All in a row. As the crowd crooned along with the ending of "All These Things That I've Done," everyone in the audience knew that they were bearing witness to something amazing, as the singing of the crowd drowned out all other sound, and all that could be seen were the flashing lights and smoke of the brilliantly bright stage in front of us. At the finish of their closing song, "When You Were Young," I couldn't help but think that there was no better show that could've closed out my Lollapalooza experience. As one of the most popular rock bands in the world, The Killers are a must see if you ever get the chance, because their songs will be the ones our kids call classic rock.

So that's Lollapalooza 2009 in a nutshell! I've got other stuff from it to discuss, but I've already given you two posts in one night, so I'll let you folks catch up, but stay tuned!

Other Bands worth checking out that I didn't review for one reason or another:

Blind Pilot (Only Caught their last 2 songs)
Arctic Monkeys (Only Caught 3 of their Songs, then free sunglasses were calling my name.)

Also...

I MET ANDREW BIRD. THAT SHITS A 10 ON THE AWESOMETER. NO COMPARISONS BECAUSE THAT SHIT'S IMPOSSIBLE. ITS THAT GOOD.

GI Joe: Reviewed AKA Too Much Underwater Fire!

2009-08-11T00:54:00.014-05:00

Go on an adventure with me for a minute. The faint of heart should probably skip this first part.

You are on safari in the Congo, everything seems to be going fine. Your guide, Kwame (name that reference!), gestures to a serene river, where a hippo stops for a drink of water. But, Uh Oh, the hippo sees you and begins to approach you. Kwame assures you that everything is fine, you just need to sit still. You turn to ask your trusted safari leader, "really?" but he is gone. He has gotten in the safari van and left you. Keep in mind, Hippos kill more people per year than sharks, can run 40 mph, and are bulletproof (Only one of those facts is true.) But this hippo isn't thinking about killing you. This hippo has other plans. The hippo approaches you more vigorously and you know there is no escape, and you freeze in terror. Feeling alone and betrayed as the hippo closes in, you know one thing and one thing only.

This hippo is going to rape you. And it does. Four times.

That's what it felt like watching GI Joe for 2 hours. Like being sexually assaulted by nature's fat kid.

Let's disect this disaster and answer the question I found myself in tears, screaming, in the parking lot, "WHY?"

What GI Joe tried to do was release an action movie based on toys the same summer as Transformers 2: A Festival of Manhood. They figured, "Hey, it cant be that hard. All you need are boobs and explosions and it will be just as entertaining as Transformers!"

False.

Transformers was the epitome of awesome-bad movies. While it didn't have any merit as a real movie that would get awards and things of that nature, like Crash, it had a more than just coherent, however dumb, plot, attractive women, and awesome explosions. GI Joe did not. So if GI Joe wants to be transformers, let's see if it came even remotely close to success. We will rate based on 3 sections. Ladies, Explosions, and Hilarious Quoteables. Let's kick this pig.

LADIES:

This section is very photo based...

Transformers Offered....

GI Joe Offered....

Alright, GI Joe definitely made its most impressive efforts here. Scarlett is definitely a fine looking young lady, as well as whoever played the baroness (I'll start writing actresses names in parentheses when GI Joe becomes a real movie...) however, they were both screwed from the start because they're up against Megan Fox, which means they are immediatly without a shred of hope.

EXPLOSIONS!

Transformers 2: Transformers had real explosions. Fire, robots getting cut in half, crazy missiles, bombs of various kinds, buildings getting knocked down, useless army cover fire, and more of Michael Bay's favorite cool shit. If it wasn't uncomfortably loud, he cut it from the movie, and that, my friends, is a method to stick to for a good summer explosion fest.

GI Joe: GI Joe's idea of an explosion was copious amounts of UNDERWATER FIRE. Allow me to elaborate. When the soldiers (I refuse to refer to them as "Joes" like in the movie, I'm already a blogger, don't make me feel like more of a tool...) were in their submarines, and one would explode, it wouldn't just crash or make bubbles or debris. It would explode. Fire and all. Here's a hint. Fire doesn't work underwater guys. It just doesn't. Stop showing it EVERY FEW SECONDS. Do you see Michael Bay making these mistakes? No. Because he's a fucking professional.

Also, GI Joes Idea of frightening fate was this silly green mist. It looked like someone scattered party confetti all over you but it would eat metal, but not you. Fun.

HILARIOUS QUOTEABLES!!

Just a quick wrap up of GI Joe's closest thing to success. Stupid dialogue that can be repeated for laughs.

Transformers 2: "Megatron wants what's in my brain!!"

GI Joe: When told that they are going to Paris, a black character, who has had a european accent of some kind for the entire movie, drops his accent for one of a more racist style, to say, "I like croissants."

It's comforting knowing that even bad movies can still say stupid things. Another fun stupid part of GI Joe was the frequent flashbacks to Snakeyes' past as a random white ninja in Japan, inserting bad japanese movies into an already terrible american movie. Classic.

All in all, if you want me to rephrase my opinions on GI Joe as a whole, you're going to be dissapointed, because that first paragraph is really the only way of describing how it made me feel.

The Awesometer:

1 [---3------------------] 10

A 3? Wow. That's pretty depressing.

It's about as awesome as say...

Finding out your birth father is Matthew McConaughey
Finding out your pet goldfish has passed away due to herpes.
My Friends' reaction to my choice in films...

comcast broke on my block. fuck. typing from an iPhone. gi Joe and lollapalooza posts coming ASAP

2009-08-08T23:14:00.001-05:00

Funny People: Reviewed (The Time Traveler is in it!!)

2009-07-31T03:15:00.008-05:00

Allow me to introduce you to Funny People. A not-so-little movie about life. In Funny People, Adam Sandler plays George Simmons, a famous comedic actor who has just been diagnosed with a form of leukemia that leaves him with only an 8% chance of survival. George meets Ira Wright (Seth Rogen) at a comedy club, and gets him to write jokes for him and serve as his personal assistant. After being told that his disease is in remission, George begins to reexamine his life and the choices he's made.

Now that we all know each other, let's talk about if this movie was good or not. I saw Funny People at the midnight showing, which I highly recommend. Seeing movies at midnight makes me feel oddly important. Almost as though I'm seeing the movie before everyone else, just to make sure that it's good. As if to say, "Don't worry world, Dan has seen this movie already. He approves." However, that being said, I hold no power to stop the movies that make me upset in the stomach. (*cough* Year One *cough*)

To get the initial suspense out of the way, Funny People was most definitely worth seeing. The movie paints a great picture of a man with everything and yet nothing in Adam Sandler's character, and following him through his life, near death, and rediscovery of life is not only entertaining, but endearing, showing that Sandler is quite capable of playing roles with some depth. Sandler's character also provided what was, in my opinion, the most entertaining part of the movie, in his brief cameos in fake clips of comedies his character had made. These clips of about 10-15 seconds managed to get me laughing every time; for instance, one shows Sandler taking part in a hotdog eating contest as his son proclaims, "This won't bring mom back!!" Along with these fake film clips are hilarious clips of Ira's roommate Mark's (Jason Schwartzman) fake NBC sitcom called simply, "Yo, Teach!" These clips capture the essence of a bad sitcom so perfectly that I almost feel like it's a show I would watch on a tuesday night. However, this leads me to one of my bigger complaints in the movie, and that was the complete under utilization of Rogen's roomates, Mark, played by Schwartzman and Leo, played perfectly by Jonah Hill. These two characters compliment Rogen's so well that it seemed criminal to make so little use of their relationship. However, relationships involving Rogen's character seemed to take an overall backseat, especially in the romantic department, making his love affair with Daisy, played by the extremely attractive Audrey Plaza, seem somewhat rushed and underplayed. Ira is a very interesting character, and I wish that there had been more focus on his personal journey throughout this story, because Rogen played him perfectly in all his quirky and awkward glory.

In the end, what this movie lacked wasn't drama, but moreso the right kind of drama. The movie focused plenty on Sandler's character's mistakes in life, and his attempts to right them, but failed to hit the overall point I was hoping to see in this movie, but then again maybe that's selfish.

Allow me to explain myself. I'm going to level with you readers, because you guys are all so cool, so buckle up. If for some bizarre reason you read my blog and you aren't a personal friend of some kind, an important fact about me is that I'm a standup comedian. As a comedian, when I saw the previews for this movie, I freaked. Finally! A movie I can hold up as my banner, saying with modest pretention, "Hey! Look at this! This is vaguely what my life is like! You don't understand this movie like I understand this movie!!" However, Funny People wasn't about stand-up comedy, and really wasn't about comedy at all. One of my greatest personal philosophies, and probably the reason I love comedy so much (Oh here he goes....) is the belief that laughter is one of the only ways that you can truly stand life. Life isn't terribly fair, and often isn't a whole lot of fun, but something that life is, is funny. You can always laugh at yourself, even if you think you're too cool, and it makes life just that much better to be able to, which I guess was the philosophy I was hoping this movie would convey. Through George's disease, and surrounding disaster of a life, maybe George would use the power of comedy and laughter to find his own bright sides and begin making changes. Instead the movie went with more of the typical, "life is precious, enjoy it while you can," moral, which I found a little dissapointing.

The movie is most certainly not a gut busting comedy, but it keeps the laughs coming, even if every now and then they're reduced to chuckles. However, despite the fact that this movie's philosophy didn't match my own, and despite the fact that it didn't even give me a chance to be pretentious, and despite the fact that it was 2 and a half hours, I still was glad that I saw it, as the ending leaves you feeling unexpectadly satisfied, and full of laughs. Funny People is not the Apatow-Opus that I was hoping for, but it's definitely better than Knocked Up and The 40 Year Old Virgin, so that's something the director can really hang his hat on. However, good luck making a better movie than Heavyweights, Mr. Apatow. Good Luck, indeed.

The Awesometer:

[--------------7------]

A 7 you say?

Why that's about as awesome as....

Being sent a delicious christmas ham, free of charge.
Seeing a Grizzly Bear battle a baby sasquatch.
Telling my friends I want to see The Time Traveler's Wife and NOT having them call me gay."But guys, their love can't even be contained by TIME."

Here's to You, Nipple Guy!

2009-07-27T23:38:00.008-05:00

So I was at a baseball game this past weekend, and I was reminded of one of summer's most obnoxiously annoying people. Nipple Guy. Nipple Guy is everywhere where the weather is warm. He's that guy who has decided, "Hey. My personal comfort/fulfillment of my ego is much more important than your general experience for the day."

Here's the deal nipple guy. No one wants to see your nipples. No one. But the sad thing is, Nipple Guy isn't listening. He's too busy showing the world his bod. But there isn't just one nipple guy, there's actually quite the variety. Let's break it down.

Nipple Guy (Skinny White Guy):

Alright buddy, when you walk around with clothes on, you look like the majority of America, which is sweet. However, when you remove that shirt, you just start to look sad. Like a puppy wandering around looking for food, with your pale white boy arms facing the elements in what will surely end as the world's worst sunburn due to your blatantly irish or german descent. Do your skin and yourself a favor and wear a tshirt, you're far too weak to be left exposed like that. Trust me, I'm doing this for you.

Nipple Guy (Fatty McFatty Fat Fat):

Holy shit. Stop. You're out of control! Fat people can go where they want and not face ridicule seeing as they have such abundant numbers now, but christ man, you need to robe up! Fat Nipple Guy typically isn't tan, and usually has some nice back-ne. You look like a walrus in the midst of it's awkward teen years. I'd say lose some weight and work out but that doesn't excuse being a nipple guy.

Nipple Guy (Well Built):

HEY. STOP IT. YOU'RE MAKING ME FEEL INADEQUATE.

Nipple Guy (Tattoo'd):

Okay, I would never say this to your face because chances are you're an unstable douchebag, but you are a huge tool. Accompanying your tattoos are usually some large number of piercings, sometimes even in your nipples, and that shit's offensive. You're usually pretty drunk, and looking for a fight, and for that, among so many other things, I dislike you. Since telling you to put on a shirt seems pointless, maybe you should just stay home and watch UFC.

So there it is, Nipple Guy. Right out on the table. Go home and put on a shirt like a normal person. No baseball team or otherwise cares about your nips. You're just making the crowd sad and giving something for me to blame losses on.

Next time, watch me tear a new one for all those people who clap after movies. Seriously, what the shit is that?

(Worst part of this post? Googling "Shirtless dudes" and having to pick out those pictures.)

Dan Sheehan's Top 100 Songs of All Time!

2009-07-22T01:27:00.006-05:00

This list of 100 songs is derived purely from my personal opinion and doesn't take into account influence over other music, popularity, or anything else like that. Feel free to post any agreements, disagreements, or questions. Basically just made this because I'm bored and wanted to give people a chance to see my top 100, and maybe inspire them to make their own.

1. Wake Up - Arcade Fire
2. First Day of My Life - Bright Eyes
3. Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down
4. Sleeping Lessons - The Shins
5. Stuck Between Stations - The Hold Steady
6. Rag And Bone - The White Stripes
7. Baba O'Riley - The Who
8. Fake Palindromes - Andrew Bird
9. Konstantine - Something Corporate
10. Eileen - The Hush Sound
11. Skinny Love -Bon Iver
12. This Time Tomorrow - The Kinks
13. How I Go - Yellowcard
14. Take It Easy - Eagles
15. Army -Ben Folds Five
16. Say It Ain't So - Weezer
17. Do You Realize?? - The Flaming Lips
18. Fake Empire - The National
19. I Will Follow You Into The Dark -Death Cab for Cutie
20. Sunday Bloody Sunday - U2
21. Steady, As She Goes - The Raconteurs
22. Hey Ya - Obadiah Parker
23. Paranoid Android - Radiohead
24. American Pie - Don McLean
25. Lisztomania - Phoenix
26. Blood Bank - Bon Iver
27. Citrus - The Hold Steady
28. Tables and Chairs - Andrew Bird
29. Momentum - The Hush Sound So Sudden
30. I've Just Seen A Face - The Beatles
31. Poison Oak - Bright Eyes
32. Constructive Summer - The Hold Steady
33. Rich Kid Blues - The Raconteurs
34. Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels) - Arcade Fire
35. Piano Man - Billy Joel
36. Hurricane - Bob Dylan
37. Rebellion (Lies) - Arcade Fire
38. Hey Jude - The Beatles
39. Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova
40. Rockin' The Suburbs - Ben Folds
41. Subterranean Homesick Blues - Bob Dylan
42. The Deaf Girl's Song - Cloud Cult
43. The Scientist - Coldplay
44. Go Your Own Way - Fleetwood Mac
45. Wonderwall - Oasis
46. Powerman - The Kinks
47. Daylight - Matt & Kim
48. You're Gonna Go Far, Kid - The Offspring
49. My Name Is Jonas - Weezer
50. Life In Technicolor II - Coldplay

51. Carolina Drama - The Raconteurs
52. Hotel Yorba - The White Stripes
53. The Luckiest - Ben Folds
54. Road to Joy - Bright Eyes
55. Antichrist Television Blues - Arcade Fire
56. The Way We Get By - Spoon
57. All These Things That I've Done - The Killers
58. Casimir Pulaski Day - Sufjan Stevens
59. Boston - Augustana
60. The Seeker - The Who
61. I Summon You - Spoon
62. The Modern Leper - Frightened Rabbit
63. The Kids Aren't Alright - The Offspring
64. Don't Panic - Coldplay
65. Fix You - Coldplay
66. Float On - Modest Mouse
67. Blackbird - The Beatles
68. Passing Afternoon - Iron & Wine
69. Now We Can See - The Thermals
70. 3rd Planet - Modest Mouse
71. 2 Atoms In A Molecule - Noah And The Whale
72. Electioneering - Radiohead
73. What'd I Say Parts I & II - Ray Charles
74. Here's Your Future - The Thermal
75. Otherside - Red Hot Chili Peppers
76. Yeah Yeah Yeah Song - The Flaming Lips
77. Sabotage - Beastie Boys
78. The Denial Twist - The White Stripes
79. Con te partiro - Andrea Bocelli
80. Still Fighting It - Ben Folds
81. May Your Hearts Stay Strong - Cloud Cult
82. C'mon C'mon - The Von Bondies
83. Runaround Sue - Dion
84. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
85. Everything Is Alright - Motion City Soundtrack
86. Bodysnatchers - Radiohead
87. Only To Haunt You - The Von Bondies
88. Mess - Ben Folds Five
89. Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver
90. Just a Dream - Griffin House
91. Spilt Needles - The Shins
92. I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
93. Disarm - Smashing Pumpkins
94. Feeling This - Blink-182
95. Minority - Green Day
96. Homecoming [feat. Chris Martin] - Kanye West
97. Starlight - Muse
98. Alive With the Glory of Love - Say Anything
99. No Taylor, No Scar - Norwegian Recycling
100. Summertime Clothes - Animal Collective

Up: Reviewed Also Known As, Up: Shit Gets Real

2009-07-03T00:08:00.012-05:00

Alright guys, it's been out for a while, but it's never too late to talk about Up. (Spoiler Alert. Whole thing. Fuck you?)

Wow.

I'm not even going to add tension to this review, Up was incredible. Without a doubt, this was the best thing pixar has ever done. That's right Wall-E fanboys. You heard me. You wanna debate this fact? Count up the number of times Jeff Garlin (Who is quite possibly John Goodman's less evil twin) appears in both movies. Whichever movie has the lower score, is superior.

Boom.

Just kidding, he's a funny guy.

But in all seriousness, Up exceeded my expectations, and yes, was better than Wall-E. Notice how I didn't say, in my opinion, was better than Wall-E. It just was better than Wall-E.

Up was beautiful because it simultaneously allowed you to suspend your belief in the laws of physics, the physical ability of the elderly, and the concept of geography, all while easily sharing the emotions of the characters in the movie. Within the first 5 minutes of Up, I was as close as I get to crying at movies. (see how I preserved my masculinity right there?) Up doesn't beat around the bush. Facts like the reality of death and age aren't hidden or made light of. Carl has lost his wife, and is now alone in a world that is rapidly changing, and leaving him behind. Carl's lonliness is palpable from the first scene, and in making his sadness real, Pixar made Carl the most real character they've ever created. The movie deals with the topics of lonlieness and inner childhood all throughout its entirety, yet it manages to keep a light tone, with the delightful supporting character of a young boy scout named Russel, whose interactions with talking dog Dug and exotic bird Kevin kept the movie from being defined as a "downer," and as a matter of fact, I challenge anyone seeing this movie to leave the theatre without a smile on their face, seeing as despite the problems encountered along the way, all the characters manage to find something within themselves that gives them a new outlook on life, which is fantastic to see in a children's movie. Themes like these are, at least in my experience, the ones that are important in life. Sharing your shit with the other kids, and learning how important family is are great values and all, but I personally am terrified of getting old, and I'm not even close to alone in that sentiment. Up manages to leave you with the impression that, although most elderly people don't get to go on journeys through the sky in homeade dirigibles, there is something to be said for the journey from young to old, and beyond.

Amazing plot aside, some other high points of the movies are old strengths of Pixar's, namely, the stunning visuals. We've all heard this before, and know the score pretty much by heart now, Pixar is amazing at making things look beautiful. They always have been. However, Up had some added zing with the use of this new 3D trend that's been in vogue these past few months. Now, I always hated 3D. I saw it as an eye straining excuse for anything and everything to be overdramatically tossed at the audience. (That being said, I fully intend to see Final Destination 4 in 3D. Stop judging me.) But Up in 3D was very subtle and added to the experience without seeming gimmick-y. Also, the score, done by Michael Giacchino was brilliant and really added to the movie's overall feel, merging an old sounding melody with light hearted overtones that give it a more childish feeling.

Another thing about this movie that I liked was that it really reminded me of my favorite book of all time, The Little Prince. That probably seems like a crazy comparison, but both deal heavily with the idea of inner youth and adventure, as well as loneliness. Also, the whole balloon-house concept in combination with the score give the movie an overtone that feels oddly french to me. Just some food for thought, feedback on that would be much appreciated.

So on the Awesometer?

1[-------------------9-] 10

Up's a fucking 9. That's cool as hell, bro.

A 9 eh? That's about as awesome as say....

Driving the WeinerMobile
Driving the WeinerMobile into the Dave Matthews Band's Tour bus
or
MY FUCKING NEW WALLET HOLY SHIT ITS A BACON WALLET

nom nom

John and Kate Plus Suck

2009-06-25T02:01:00.009-05:00

Alright, I'm going to try and make this rant quick, but no promises. I am ashamed, yet not surprised, to admit that I am intimately aware of what has been going on with the John and Kate plus 8 family in these past few months. What this essentially means is that I've glanced any direction other that up while in line at the grocery store within the past few months. So, when a few nights ago, these two dysfunctional folks decided to hold a press conference announcing their divorce, I, like everyone else, was not surprised. In fact, I was glad! Why, you ask? Well there are a lot of reasons. My recent distaste for the media's way of doing things (*cough* swine flu *cough) is really only the beginning. Forget the fact that it's deplorable to pull a bunch of kids and their now dysfunctional life into the public eye. And screw the fact that Americans definitely SHOULD NOT care so much about a bigass family (If I wanted to hear loud babies, I'd go to Denny's or a church or something). The most important reason really is the fact that THESE BABIES AREN'T EVEN ADORABLE.

CHECK THIS GUY OUT

Holy shit. This kid looks like he should be doing tech support for Frigidaire.

So yeah, I'll cut that rant off before it gets entirely incoherent, and get to the part where I share sage wisdom with the world, and offer a solution. People are concerned about what'll happen to this show when these two split. That's dumb. That ship has sailed, it's time to ditch the ugly babies and make a show that EVERYONE would want to watch....

(Note: That's Bear Grylls. I'm funny as hell bro.)

So where does all this fall on the Awesometer? Well, despite the fact that only a moron would reject my proposal, if they do, and the show survives this mess....

1 [-2---------------------] 10

Aw man, a 2. That's pretty terrible. That's about as awesome as...

Traveling back in time to the night and location of your conception.
Eating Mayo from the jar on a warm afternoon
Asher Roth's choice in album artwork

Do grocery stores even have bread-specific aisles?

Transformers 2: Two and a Half Hours of Man

2009-06-24T03:18:00.010-05:00

I want to start this review off with a concise summary of my feelings about this movie.

holyshitexplosionsholymeganfoxshitholyIwishOptimusPrimewasmyDadshit

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. That being said, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was wonderful. To give a brief summary, it's about 2 years after our hero Sam Witwicky (Shia Lebeouf, whose last name, coincidentally, is equally hard to spell as his character's) is just about to head off to college and be a normal kid. But wait! Due to a chain of events that I won't spoil, Sam is once again pulled into really awesome robot warfare! With help from a ton of new friends, and some old ones, Sam has to try and save the world, his family, and his relationship with hottest girl ever, Megan Fox.

Now on to all the things this movie did right. Michael Bay isn't known for being the best director, but he is known for his uniquely amazing ability to make cooler explosions than anyone else. Now that may seem like a talent that, if over used, could make a movie boring. ERRONEOUS. Do you have any idea how many ways you can make something explode? Because I sure didn't. However, after watching this movie, I feel like I'm getting closer. The action in this movie was wonderful to look at, with all of the robots and explosions looking as real as things of that nature could in a movie. Throughout the 2 and a half hours that it took me to view this movie, I didn't once find myself bored, which is saying something seeing as my attention is quite easily lost. The movie also managed to keep the audience laughing in between the action scenes, and not just with brief chuckles, but with real and loud laughter, which kept the movie from getting too intense to handle (A bladder full of diet coke can only handle so much excitement.) Also, bravo to this movie for realizing that Megan Fox is ridiculously attractive, and making pointless scene after pointless scene showcasing her looks in an almost comedically obvious fashion. Intentional or not, bonus points.

In terms of flaws for this movie, I would say that some of the acting was a bit weak, especially in the roles of Sam's new roomate, played by Ramon Rodriguez, and his parents, played by Kevin Dunn and Julie White. Also, the final fight against the big villain of the movie (trying so hard not to spoil anything, you guys should be appreciating this.) seemed almost too short for how much it was worked up, but was nonetheless worthy of multiple, "Oh man!" s from the audience.

So that's about it. Transformers had pretty much everything you'd look for in a summer blockbuster. Hold on...

Wait just a minute now...

This movie had...

Robots (check)
Explosions (check)
Humor (check)
Extremely Attractive Women (Check with a capital C)

This movie may just be the current holder of the title for manliest movie ever! Which is great.

Now on the THE AWESOMETER

1 l--------------------------8---l 10

An 8? Wow, that's pretty impressive. Trust me. I know the Awesometer.

That's about as awesome as say...

Finding food that looks like Jesus
Going Windsurfing with the Pope (The old pope, not the current one)
High Fiving Batman "Hey there big guy, Up top!"

A gimmick? Awesome!

2009-06-24T03:08:00.002-05:00

The operative word in the title of this post is Awesome. Seeing as blogging is the new "thing" and this journalism student needs to get his practice on and develop himself a writing style, I figured that my blog could use something gimmick-y to set it apart from the hordes of other blogs out there blogging about all the same stuff. So I introduce to you a humble creation of mine known as THE AWESOMETER...

It works a little something like this:

1 l------------------5------------------l 10

This is The Awesometer. It is the standard in how I will be rating things from here on out. Figured it was about time I got a hold of a system. This highly advanced and well drawn diagram clearly shows that I'll be using a ten point scale. Unoriginal? To that I say nay. For, whichever point score the reviewed item earns, I will compare it to other things at that level of awesomeness. For instance, the ever coveted 10 on The Awesometer (a number I would only give out to something entirely awesome and free of flaws) would be comparable to say, hooking up with Megan Fox, or being that guy from the Dos Equis commercials.

Looking for more examples? Well you're in luck, I'm moments away from doing an entire review to christen this wonderful new system. Brace yourselves, Dan saw Transformers 2.

Bands to See Live Part 1: The Hold Steady

2009-06-22T01:35:00.010-05:00

Well it's been a while since I wrote about much of anything, and now it's summer, and that means concerts, concerts, concerts! So I figured, why not start writing some concert reviews? Here goes!

Tonight, I had the wonderful opportunity of seeing The Hold Steady for a ridiculously under priced 10 dollars at The Taste of Randolph Street in downtown Chicago, and for a guy with relatively high expectations, I still managed to get my mind blown. In a time when concerts seem to be more about ticket sales than an experience, this show was just what the doctor ordered. A humble little one stage street festival in Chicago, with only a suggested donation of ten dollars for admission, inviting anyone and everyone to what they promised would be a wonderful night for everyone involved.

Coming onto the stage with a sharp opening of "Positive Jam" leading, with fans already singing along enthusiastically, directly into one of my personal favorites, "Stuck Between Stations," and the band made very clear that this show was going to be great, The show maintained a high energy level, with entertaining words between songs from frontman, Craig Finn, who made it feel more like he was having a conversation with you than introducing his famous band. One of my favorite songs of the night was "Southtown Girls," featuring an extremely skilled harmonica solo from Franz Nicolay, The band's keyboarder/ moustache enthusiast (see above photo) who seemed as enthusiastic as any band's frontman, as well as a chorus that everyone in the crowd seemed to know, and all were welcome to sing along. The show took a turn for the awesome when Nicolay, took out an accordion for "Lord, I'm Discouraged," only to be matched by guitarist, Tad Kubler, who got his hands on a double necked guitar in order to appropriately rip things up, and just as the show seemed over, the band was very easily coaxed into a few more songs, most notably, "Citrus," which provided a very welcome comfort that the crowd didn't even know it needed in preparation for the powerful closer, "Killer Parties," where Finn made especially sure to thank anyone and everyone for being a part of his band, proclaiming that "We Are all the Hold Steady!" and judging off of the consistant enthustic singing of the crowd from start to finish, it seems like Craig might be on to something.

Now, there are tons of simple reasons why the show was enjoyable, the most obvious being that the band has just as much talent on the stage as they do in the studio, however, what really sold me was the stage presence that frontman, Craig Finn, maintained throughout the night. Finn, at 37, shows no sign of aging past his twenties as he dances and emotes, almost adding annotations to his own lyrics with his motions and gestures. The enthusiasm that Finn shows on stage is what made the concert such a unique experience, because it was obvious that the band was just as happy to be there as the audience was, and when at the end of the concert, Finn yelled to crowd that, "There is so much joy in what we do!", you knew that he meant it.

Green Day: 21st Century Whining

2009-05-11T23:14:00.005-05:00

I turned on my computer today to find out that Green Day's album had been leaked onto Comcast Rhapsody a few days early, and decided to give it a listen. By the end of the album, I really only had one thought in my mind and that was,
"What in God's Name is Green Day still complaining about?"

Well as it turns out, they're complaining about everything. Religion, Americans, Love, and surprisingly politics. That last one is interesting, as Green Day casually takes swings at God and Government, almost ignoring the fact that the Bush years have passed. However, I managed to put the slightly annoying topic aside, and listen to what Green Day had put together for the world. Needless to say, I remained unimpressed. Green Day has succeeded in becoming the kings of complaint, which begs the question, aren't they getting just a little bit old for this? As Green Day whined on in the chorus of American Eulogy with such creative lyrics as, "I don't wanna live in the modern world," I couldn't help but realize that, although Green Day might still have a penchant for pointless rebellion, I no longer could stand to hear them out. This album proved to me that Green Day is simply just trying to sell more records. When American Idiot came out, I was skeptical at jumping from song topics like masturbation to politics, but I accepted that the album was very solid. However, when the administration changed, and things in our country started to improve, if only slightly, Green Day just kept whining, and like most babies, if they whine long enough, eventually someone is going to put them in the garbage.

However, Green Day doesn't have much to worry about. Seeing as the album is modestly edgy in the least offensive of ways, and practically crafted for radio, the album is a safe bet for Album of the Year. However judging from previous winners of that award, true music lovers will realize that Green Day peaked in the 90's, a long time before I was even of age to like good music. The Green Day we know and love has long since passed, and made the very easy decision to write for the Grammys instead of their fans. But it's cool, my little sister and her squad of 14 year old cohorts all love Green Day. They also love these young gents. Misery loves company I guess.

Long story short, 21st Century Breakdown should consider itself lucky that I don't rate below one star, because this album just sounds like rehashed, reworked B-sides from American Idiot. Buy this if you like listening to animal rights activists, eating paint, or watching Akeelah and the Bee.

Interview

2009-04-20T14:50:00.006-05:00

I recently had the opportunity to sit down with The Hush Sound's Greta Salpeter, and it was an awesome experience. I could tell you how she was down to earth, and about her upcoming solo career, but I think I'll let the interview do the talking. There's no video component, its supposed to be audio only. Also, a quick notice, this is my first time ever conducting an interview, so forgive me if my skill level is a bit low.

Thoughts on Adventureland and Record Store Day

2009-04-19T00:55:00.006-05:00

I don't have a review in me right now, so I'll just discuss my day. Today was national Record Store Day. It was fantastic, I got a chance to see Lawrence Arms and Dissappears play live shows at Reckless Records, a place in downtown Chicago. Both bands played pretty great shows, and a record store was a fantastic setting. I managed to pick up a few records, another addition to my quest for the White Stripes vinyl discography, Bon Iver's full album, and some Godspeed You! Black Emperor, so my day was quite successful.

Then I saw Adventureland. I loved it, thought it had substance, heart, and characters so interesting that I didn't want the movie to end. However, they advertised this movie all wrong. It wasn't a teen comedy from the apatow vein like all the commercials led you to believe, but more of a mix between garden state and the 80's in general.

So yeah, good weekend so far.

I Love You, Movie

2009-03-21T13:40:00.003-05:00

I would like to post a retraction. I said in a former post that this movie looked really lame. This movie was the absolute opposite of lame. As a matter of fact, I would make a bet that it will be the best comedy to come out this year. Here's why....

I Love You, Man was nothing short of genius. The story was extremely realistic and easy to relate to. My crack at the Lou Ferrigno comment actually made sense, and I bought into it. It wasn't just a random, "Look! There's the hulk!" They made an effort to sensibly work him into the plotline, which I appreciated. Plus, any man with a best friend can relate to some piece of this movie. I won't spoil some of the best jokes by citing too many examples, but one hilarious instance is Pete's (Paul Rudd) continual quest for a nickname for his buddy Sydney (Jason Segel) Which leads me to the next best part of this movie, casting. They casted this perfectly. Paul Rudd's character is basically made for him. When I saw Role Models, I thought that Paul Rudd was funny as a burnt out, dead end job working, cynic. However, I never fully bought it. However, In I Love You Man, his character is this young, straight laced, girlish man, and I think he plays this type of role much more hilariously. And as for Jason Segel, he was just absolutely hilarious. Every scene he was in, he owned as his testosteron driven, laid back, and brutally honest character Sydney. Also Andy Samberg playing a gay man bent on seducing straight guys was hilarious. Juno Dad was there too.

Other notes about the movie that don't need any form of elaboration, it had an awesome soundtrack. I liked it a lot.

Lots of Funny Hulk References.

So to make a long story short, I will make my bet right now that nothing funnier and more heartwarming than this wonderful movie will come out this year. You heard it here first.

I Love You Man gets all 5 Stars and then some.

Watchmen, or, Too Many Butts

2009-03-06T15:58:00.006-06:00

Last night I saw Watchmen at midnight. Now, I'm going to give a brief history of my experience with the source material before I give my review. Yes, I've read it. It was recently, and I was never obsessed, though, like most people who read it, I thought it was a really impressive story. That being said, I found the movie to be intensely disappointing. Not only was it a whopping 2 hours and 45 minutes long, but it was a boring 2 hours and 45 minutes long. I think that in the end, the problem was an odd one for these types of movies. Usually in a comic book movie, you see the director trying to take a lot of liberties with the source material, but in Watchmen, right until the ending, the better portion of the film was direct source material. The only time that Snyder diverted from direct source material was to show butts. Which leads me to my main point. Too many butts. And even more importantly, too many genitals. I dont know when it started to be okay to show penis...es....peni? Penis Plural...in movies, but I'm powerfully not okay with it. The movie gained nothing from showing the fact that, when on Mars, Dr. Manhattan lets it all hang out. However props to Snyder for picking a very attractive woman to play Silk Spectre. However, this movie sacrificed a lot in the acting skill department to find great look alikes. In the end, Watchmen was a terrible movie, it just wasn't "A cinematic masterpiece!" as the commercials bragged so very profusely.

So now on to the Important Part. Some quick trailer stuff.

Wolverine Origins: It looks awesome, probably going to be a good old fashioned simple plot, explosion based, and I'm looking forward to seeing it.

Also, they showed a trailer for some movie with Seth Rogen. It looked like Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but someone decided that they should make that concept funny.

I Love You, Man looks really lame. It's a general rule of thumb in movies that if you have some dated star playing himself (in this case, Lou Ferrigno), the movie will suck.

HOWEVER

THE DILLINGER MOVIE LOOKS SO GOOD.

I'm really happy to see the return of the good type of gangster movie. I am utterly exhausted of seeing gangster movies about thugs who wave guns around, swearing like sailors, acting about 1000 times tougher than they probably should be. I'm anxious to see a criminal with some class back in the movies. For instance, I don't know how much you know about Dillinger, but his breakout from a prison using nothing but a block of wood (I won't spoil the movie by saying what he does with it), is just awesome. Plus, crime was classier when everyone wore fedoras and suits instead of baggy sports jerseys.

Liam Neeson Will Punch You in the Throat and you will Die or: Dan Reviews Taken

2009-01-31T01:28:00.003-06:00

This movie was awesome. In a time where movies come with a side of ovaries and emotion, Liam Neeson delivers a box of testicles to your doorstep, wrapped in a bow. Then he punches you in the throat. That is the gist of this movie. But in all seriousness, I intensely enjoyed Taken.

Is Taken a Classic? No. Did I expect Taken to be a classic? No.

However, Taken was a perfectly done vengeance movie. I couldn't help but think while watching this movie,

"This is three times better than Quantum of Solace."

I mean that wholeheartedly. However, that isn't saying much seeing as Quantum was possibly the most dissatisfying film of the year for me. But I'm done bitching about that, it was months ago. Taken did what Quantum did, very effortlessly. It didn't weight itself down with political commentary, or heavy symbolism or nods to old bond directors. It was its own movie, and it relied on its own plot. Liam Neesons daughter was taken. And he is going to fuck shit up in Paris until someone brings her back. The action was solidly filmed, not horribly shaky, and somewhat easy to believe.

And I'd just like to say, I LOVE vengeance films. I've always loved vigilante stories, and I can't get enough of them. However, watching Taken put most recent vengeance films to shame, and the reason for this was actually fairly minor. What did The Punisher lack? The ability to relate. The Punisher's family is dead, and he's killing people, and by the end of those movies, you just wish he'd get some therapy. But in Taken, you are rooting for Liam (Name Brian in the movie, but fuck that name.) Anyone who's ever cared about someone feels a sick satisfaction when Liam finally gets a hold of some of the people responsible for his daughter's kidnapping, because we all can put ourselves in his shoes, everyone has people they love, and everyone is terrified at the idea of having them suddenly yanked from your life.

In the end, Taken is flawless at being exactly what it was intended to be. A January movie. There's action that doesn't give you motion sickness, a plot with just enough emotional value to make you want to continue watching, and a side of comedy to lighten things up every now and then. James Bond could take a lesson from Mr. Neeson.

4 out of 5 stars.

Isn't It Grand? lololol.

2009-01-31T01:07:00.006-06:00

I was perusing iTunes a few days ago when I stumbled upon this delightful little album. Now, I don't know if my audience is at all familiar with Matt & Kim, but to put it simply, they are The White Stripes but instead of being offbeat and experimental, they're hip and spritely. Grand was Matt & Kim's second effort, and it's clear that the duo has made few changes. I, however, don't have a problem with that. Matt & Kim aren't destined to be musically influential, and I've never taken them as such. These two create the adorable little songs that I'd soundtrack a teen movie to. The album starts off strong with the song "Daylight" but seems to peak at that point. While the rest of the album is by no means bad, it simply has a hard time maintaining its momentum. This was a problem that very nearly sunk The Shins' last effort, and thus I've dubbed it, "Sleeping Lessons Syndrome." The first track on the album sets a quality standard that the band can't seem to maintain, and once again, the one problem I have with this band seems to creep back into the equation. Matt and Kim are adorable. Their songs are adorable. The whole deal is adorable. However by the end of the album, you feel as though instead of dealing with an adorable baby, you've been presented with the awkward 9 year old who still purposefully calls spaghetti, 'Pasketti. The cuteness wears off quickly, and leaves you with an overall uneventful experience devoid of true musical stimulation. In the end, the album was worth the half hour I spent listening to it, and Daylight has great potential as a single song (That drum beat is pretty irresistable.) However, the album fails to have the consistent quality of the first, and just seems to be lacking something.

3 Stars out of 5

At this point, I'm just holding out for Love, Hate and Then There's You by the Von Bondies. Two more days! That album sounds fucking stupendous, and you can expect a review from me Monday night. In the meantime, stay tuned for a review of Taken.

Nostradamus is Latin for "I'm a Huge Tool"

2009-01-09T00:07:00.006-06:00

A friend advised that I write an elaborated post on things that have made me angry. So I thought of my number one first, because anyone who's read my lists knows that I dispense with the suspense bullshit, and go right to the number one. And my number one was

1. Nostradamus and his absolutely retarded followers

Okay. I've been addicted to the history channel all this week. And its Armageddon week. So of course all the programs are about this 2012 bullshit. So first I'll discuss that in a brief paragraph.

Shut your fucking faces and get a job you damn hippies.

That being said, on to the Author. Nostradumbass.

Basically, this guy worked a day job as an apothecary, selling wacky elixirs, but his true passion was writing douchy poems. These days, we call those people "Baristas." (For those of you who dont speak pretentious, it means "Coffee Guys.")

"Hi I'm Steven. I pour coffee, but want to be taken seriously. Please listen to my band's demo tape."

These poems, known as Quatrains, supposdly predicted the future.

Here's one.

His final hand through Alus,
he will be unable to protect himself by sea.
Between two rivers he will fear the military hand,
the black one, irate, will make him regret it.

Here's what some douchebag says it meant:

Clearly this is a reference to Colin Powell, who has an admitedly short temper, and was involved in the Bush Administration, and the Iraq War. Iraq is between two rivers, the Tigres and Euphrates, and often has seen military action.

Here's why this is retarded:

I'm not even going to fucking start, honest to god. But here's the thing, I am going to start.
The part about Iraq being between two rivers is factual. So that's a legitimate interpretation. But my beef is that they think this is talking about our time. Iraq (Mesapotamia at the time) has been an area of violence for THOUSANDS OF FUCKING YEARS. THOUSANDS. So of course, Colin Powell is the first black person to be irate in the general area of Iraq. Also, Colin Powell isn't George Bush, so you'd think that Nostradamus would refer to the leader, not the guy who bailed out of the Bush administration.

But wanna know what the problem with that is? George Bush is white, and then they don't have an irate black guy to pin this quatrain on. So then someone might think, hey, Nostradamus might be just a drunkass poet, and not a prophet. THEN thousands of bullshit historians/writers are out of jobs because people stop being retarded.

I understand how people believe that Nostradamus is predicting the future, because some people are just retarded. I mean, people used to believe that if you were sick, all you had to do is just cut yourself and bleed all the cancer out. And I feel like Nostradamus' stuff is the same way. It kinda seemed plausible, but then we started discovering things and learning to read. It worked for a minute, and then did a massive fucking faceplant straight into the realm of superheroes, greek myths and pokemon.

So yeah long story short, I spent a lot of time writing my number one, so I think I'm just going to keep throwing these things out as they happen.

2008: The Top 5's

2009-01-03T14:01:00.013-06:00

So this is slightly belated, and my first post in ages, but I'm a busy man.

Sorry if the font is giant, I'm working on it but my computer apparently doesn't understand what I mean when I set the font to "normal."

So here are my 2008 TOP 5's

Music:

1. Consolers of the Lonely- The Raconteurs

I wrote a full review of this a while back, and I stand by it. This album has never let me down, and spawned what is quite possibly the greatest live show I have ever seen, and ever will see. As much as I could try to sum it up in a sentence, I think I'll just encourage you to read the full review from a few months ago.

2. Goodbye Blues- The Hush Sound

The Hush Sounds third album was amazing to say the least. With the new album, came a sudden change in frontman, or rather, frontwoman. Former pianist and backup vocalist, Greta, took a frontseat for the majority of the album, and kicked some serious ass. This album is full of forceful piano rock sound, just like their previous 2 efforts, but with an entirely fresh vocal sound, backed up by an impressive drummer, who's filled this album with heavily accented percussion that adds a serious pulse to every song. The album starts with an calm piano intro, lulling you into a false sense of security as the explosion that is "Honey" crashes into its opening guitar solo. The album is a nonstop ride from there on out, only taking a break for a ballad or two (one of which was my favorite track, "That's Okay"), and ending with a bang. This album sells for an unbelievably 8 dollars on itunes, and I'd easily be willing to pay double that.

3. Viva La Vida - Coldplay

Coldplay's newest album was nothing but successful, reinventing their sound to sound like arena rock Radiohead. For the first time since parachutes, you are made aware that Coldplay still has a guitarist. Though the songs sometimes are lacking lyrically, they make up for it with brilliant instrumentation, and a great variety of style between songs. Really, the only flaws I saw in this album were in its shortness, which turned out to be a corporate ploy to get you to spend more money when they released "Prospekt's March Bonus Tracks" aka the 5 other tracks from the CD plus some really awful remixes that somehow resulted in a 10 dollar price hike to purchase, "Viva La Vida: Prospekt's March Edition." That seemed like a pretty low blow to a music lover like myself, who enjoys naively believing that most musicians don't care about the money. However the songs were still a pleasure to listen to on the full album, and unlike most coldplay stuff, I can listen to this when I'm in any mood. Certain songs like Cemetaries of London and Lovers in Japan are fast paced or uplifting, while ballads like Strawberry Swing are still options for the more mellow times. Though the corporate trickery was annoying, Coldplay has yet to truly dissapoint.

4. We Are Kamikazes (Headed Straight for our Heart) - The Von Bondies

This wasn't so much an album as a 4 track teaser for the upcoming Von Bondies album, "Love, Hate, and Then There's You." All 4 of the songs were wonderful, and definitely have me in anticipation of the full album. It has the classic Von Bondies garage rock sound that you heard in Pawn Shoppe Heart, but theres a new refinement to it. The Von Bondies appear to have grown up a bit, and they're showing it in their music. How did an EP make it to the top 5? Well its almost the length of the original coldplay Viva La Vida release. Go figure.

5. Once (Music from the Motion Picture) - Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

I cannot even begin to describe this album. For those of you who've been living under a rock for the past year, Once was a movie that came out in late 2007, and the album hit in 2008. The movie is much more eloquently reviewed by my friend Andy, but in short, its one of the most emotionally accurate and beautiful films I've ever seen. Back to the album, these songs speak volumes with their simplicity. The songs are a testament to the way that music brings people together, and manage to capture such raw emotion that you can't help but think that the plot the songs reference can't be entirely fictional. A must have for anyone who loves....anything or anyone really.

The Movies:

1. The Dark Knight

Okay, this was possibly the most predictable number one pick ever but honestly, do you blame me? Let's just do a quick run down to make sure this movie was awesome.

A. Compelling Storyline

It talked about EVERYTHING. Good, Evil, Right, Wrong, Love, Hate, Justice, Crime, I mean god damn, Nolan didn't miss a thing! This movie left me wondering why it was only 2 and a half hours long. Now some people said that it was "Too Depressing" or "Too Confusing/Long." but honestly, if you want a happy and simple movie, I'm pretty sure House Bunny came out this year, so piss off whiners.

B. Well Acted.

Ledger's death had nothing to do with the reception of that performance. It was mind blowing, and the world needs more method actors like the late Heath Ledger. And let's not forget the equally impressive Aaron Eckhart who pulled off his role flawlessly as well, dancing seamlessly between good and evil.

C. Explosions

THERE WERE TONS OF THEM

D. IT WAS A COMIC BOOK MOVIE

Ever since they started being made, comic book movies have mostly been cheesy, campy, and unnecessarily goofy. This mostly happens because, whenever a good comic book movie comes along, people thing that its nerdy to see a superhero movie, and just pass it up. Batman basically took this notion and shoved it down most of America's throats as they finally conceded to the potential awesomeness of a good comic book movie, and let this film hit #2 highest grossing film of all time.

Really, I've said more than I need to on this, everyone saw this movie, if you didn't like it, never, ever, ever, read my blog again.

2. Step Brothers

What's better than an awkwardly profane and overtly innappropriate movie about two stepbrothers slowly becoming friends in the wake of being forced into the same house? Having those two step brothers be middle aged men. Namely John C. Reily and Will Ferrel.

This movie was by far, no questions asked, the best comedy of the year. The movie combined the humor of childhood with the bluntness of profanity and vulgarity. Just when a scene seemed to capture some certain nuance of childhood, it'd be interrupted with some form of adult humor, and the result was endlessly funny. Not to mention that the movie's use of Con te Partito is possibly one of the most hilarious scenes I've seen in my life. (It's the Fuckin' Catalina Wine Mixer.)

3. Iron Man

Iron Man was everything a man could want in a movie. A billionare playboy who makes things explode for a living is involved in an accident and is kidnapped, however this leaves him injured in a way that makes it super easy for him to just up and become an awesome robot-suited superhero. Though the movie wasn't anything spectacular from a filmmaking standpoint, it was one of the better comic book movies I've seen, and Robert Downy Jr. was born to play Tony Stark. This is one of those movies that you just can't help but enjoy every time you watch it.

4. Pineapple Express

Another top notch comedy, and yet another notch in Judd Apatow's belt. The movie is pure hilarity from start to finish, as Seth Rogen proves he can write a damn funny stoner flick. James Franco, formerly known to me only as Spiderman's modestly affeminate friend, clearly can pull of comedy without a hitch, and really tends to steal the show throughout the movie. With a gangsta rap soundtrack that highlights the faux seriousness of the film, the movie clearly establishes itself as the best stoner comedy ever made.

5. Wall-E

Here's the deal about Wall-E. What we have on the surface is just a simple kids movie. But as you delve deeper you realize that its the coolest kids movie ever. First off, the animation is top notch. The movie looks spectacular and crisp. I saw it on blue ray and I think my head almost exploded. Secondly, this movie, with next to no dialogue kept millions of children and adults not only paying attention, but fully satisfied. While the movie doesn't really say anything on a philosophical level, it's heartwarming, and enjoyable to watch, and last time I checked, there's nothing wrong with that.

So there you have it, the 5 best albums and movies of 2008. However one thing still remains. What could it possibly be? Everything good was accounted for!

Oh wait....

5 THINGS THAT SUCKED:

1. THE SPIRIT

I saw this movie a few days ago and nearly puked. Sitting in the theater, it dawned on me. I paid 10 dollars for no plot, made up noire style cliche sayings, and a glimpse of Eva Mendes' butt. I'm not even going to begin ranting, because I think that's going to require a post all its own, but I'll sum it up. In one scene, Samuel L. Jackson and Scarlet Johansen are seen examining a "genetic creation." This thing is just a little foot with a head on it that hops around and makes noises. All the while Samuel L. Jackson just keeps repeating, "This little guy is just damn wierd."

That's the scene. That's the core of it. There's no real greater purpose of that scene, it gives nothing to the plot.

But more on that entire mess sometime later this week.

2. Day & Age - The Killers

Clearly Brandon Flowers of The Killers isn't afraid to ask the hard questions in life.

"Are we human, or are we dancer?"

....Seriously?

That's about as deep as the lyrics go. That's it. Apparently it's a nod to some old film and blah blah blah blah at this point all I'm hearing is pretention. This album is one that stinks of a band that finds themselves to be legendary. In one song, Flowers sings as an alien looking down on the world, musing at how we live our lives. The album then flows into an absurd saxaphone solo on the song Joy Ride, and just never suceeds in being anything but pretentious, overly artsy, self obsessed crap.

3. Rod Blago-I'm-a-disgrace-to-Illinois

He tried to sell....the senate seat....vacated by....the most watched and followed man...in American politics.

Well at least he stepped down right?

Nope.

Well he didn't name a replacement for the senate seat did he?

Actually yeah he did.

Toolbag, thy name is Rod.

4. Semi Pro

Now I love Will Ferrel but I think I speak for the world when I say that the idea of a drunken, vulgar underdog athlete of some obscure sport, is no longer useable in films. Please start thinking of new things. And he did, Step Brothers was awesome. And at that, I'll let this dead horse stay dead.

5. 808's and Heartbreak - Kanye West

Now I've always been a big fan of Kanye, and I think that he just should've stuck to his original plan. He had College Dropout, Late Registration, Graduation, and he was going to follow it up with an album called Good-Ass Job. Instead, he withdrew from his plan to create this album of mediocre emotional rants. Every song on this album sounds identical as Kanye attempts to sing over basic drum machines (Known as 808s) and emote. Kanye winds up sounding like a whiner, and yet he still has managed to be applauded for this effort. People said that this is one of the most personal things they'd ever heard from Kanye, and quite honestly, I think thats a lie. If you look at any of Kanye's albums, he has personal songs in all of them. He's written songs about heartbreak, family, life, love, and death, and they've been good, yet somehow, when it sounds whiny, all of these are forgotten in lieu of this watered down garbage. Hopefully this is the last we hear of this style from Kanye, but if it's not, you can expect me not to be wasting my money on the next one.

So there's that. 2008. It was a pretty good year. Now onto 2009!

Shitty Jello Pudding Commercials that Fill me with Rage

2008-12-09T00:51:00.004-06:00

Okay, this is probably the product of sleep deprivation, or just an ancient hate for pudding, but I have found a commercial that angers me. It is for Jello Chocolate Pudding. It consists of a bunch of young hip women in a salon being so flaberghasted by this low calorie jello that they burst into dance.

At this point you guys are probably like, What the fuck, Dan? Why do you care about a jello commercial. Well basically, at the health club I go to, there is a channel on one of the many TV's that shows JUST COMMERCIALS. And apparently Jello bought a good chunk of their time because it plays about twice every 10 minutes. So more or less, I've been given a chance to analyze the commercial from pretty much every angle. And I am angry.

Here are my reasons.

1) The Happiness.

NO ONE LIKES JELLO THIS MUCH. NO ONE. I get it, 60 calorie pudding is probably prettttty bitchin. However, I won't deny that a certain type of person wouldn't be elated at the idea of low calorie pudding. However I think that instead of looking like this,
"Look how much we love pudding!"
They'd look more like this.

"Need more pudding."

2) Incorporation of my least favorite dance move

I call it, The Oops Face. It's something that primarily is done by women. It's when you bust a dance move, and then make a face as if you didn't mean to.

"Oh I'm sorry, That was rather impressive, ooops!"

This dance move is pretentious. It thinks that it's better than me. And I want it to stop. Now.

So I guess if you still don't understand my grievences, I'm gonna go ahead and say that not all my blog entries can be winners. Sometimes, I just need to get angry.

Rock on.

The Punisher: War Zone

2008-12-05T23:37:00.004-06:00

Okay, I'm going to preface this by sharing a secret with you all. One of my guilty pleasures is, yes, Punisher movies. I loved the first one, and I've always loved The Punisher as a character. I think the idea raises a lot of interesting questions, but unfortunately, the two prior movies have fallen flat in the end.

But this one changed things up a bit!!!

Basically, this movie didn't take itself seriously. Which turned out to be the key to being awesome. This movie was over the top, cheesy, comic book goodness at its very best. Whereas movies like the Dark Knight manage to legitimize themselves as films (with damn good reason considering Dark Knight was the greatest comic book based film EVER MADE. Don't Argue.) , the Punisher knows that it's simply an action movie, and doesn't try to weigh the viewer down with silly things like plot or commentary on society. The movie was funny in the same sense that Snakes on a Plane was funny. It knew it was ridiculous. Which I loved. They stuck to the source material pretty well too at the parts that mattered. (Nerd alert!!!) And overall I feel like this movie was a success. Ray Stevenson said his....4 lines....without stuttering. I'd comment on his acting, but there really was none. It was a lot of ol' Frank Castle kickin' ass and taking names.

If I had to sum up this movie in a sentence (The punisher is like....) I'd say.

The Punisher is like.....growing a plant made of sheer testosterone, harvesting it with an AK 47, rolling that shit in glass, and smoking it, to produce some form of Steven Segal PCP Style high. Followed by laughter, and then a nap.

Bonus Points For...

-Having a sub villain named "John McGinty and the Free Flow Gang"
-The last scene being legitimatly badass, followed by hilarious as the screen cuts to black. Go see it.
-Using every cheesy action movie line EVER (I.E. "See you in hell." "If I see you anywhere near hell, I'm gonna kick your ass!")

Overall Rating:

7/10

See it if you like movies that are kind of tongue in cheek. Watch it as a comedic action movie, and you wont be dissapointed. Watch it as a thought provoking film and you may find yourself in tears, and not for Frank's family.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME

2008-12-02T17:33:00.002-06:00

Here's something that bothers me that just started happening. I belong to our local health club, Lifetime Fitness. Every time I go there, the routine is the same. I hand them my card. They swipe it, they say, "have a good workout."

So this week, I've gone twice. Both times there's been one subtle difference. They've said.

"Have a good workout, DAN."

Now i can only assume that these people are reading my name off the card, or the computer screen in which they swipe it. This wierds me out. Sure, it starts cordially with a name. But how much is encrypted in that card?

Where I live?

My hobbies?

My Fears?

That's just what I need.

"Have a good workout Dan, and you don't have to worry about that fear of dolphins, there are none in our pool."

I liked the nonpersonal relationship I had with desk girl before this started. Now I'm frightened. Way to go technology.

Facebook Thinks I'm Gay.

2008-11-28T01:24:00.007-06:00

So I was jaunting around facebook today as I tend to do. Everything was going pretty regularly but then facebook started dropping some hints at me. It started very subtly. Facebook has these little advertisements on the side of the page, things that it claims are related to you, your listed hobbies, and other such things. So this was the first one.

Oooh, Vacations. Everyone likes vacations regardless of sexual orientation. Thus, I thought nothing of it. Clearly Facebook just thinks I need a break from the daily grind. Then it got a little more obvious with this little number.

So now Facebook is naming off all these bands I've never heard of.
I guess that's cool. Who doesn't love music? But, Indie music, isn't that the genre where all the guys wear tight pants and care way too much about their hair? That's kinda wierd. Yet, I continued browsing. That's when facebook dropped the hinting and cut to the real deal.

No more beating around the bush on this one, Facebook has outright told me,
"Hey Dan, we think you're rather gay. We want to help you."

(So not only does facebook think I'm a gay guy, but an inefficient gay guy who requires online dating to meet men.)

And this is when it hit me! That island with the sunset was none other than Fire Island! And clearly they weren't advertising Indie music, but Tight Pants!!! The signs had been there all along. How could I have been so Naiive?

Now my facebook doesn't leave any mystery as to my sexual preference. Under Interested In, it clearly says Women. I even checked to make sure my friends didn't change it again while I wasn't looking. So the mystery continues. I'll just have to upload more photos of me fighting bears and doing very manly things.

Update: I just got another advertisement.

So here's the million dollar question:

Does Facebook now know I'm straight, or just think I'm a very fertile gay man?

And the Billion dollar question:

Which of my listed hobbies does this related to?!

Inactivity

2008-11-20T19:39:00.001-06:00

I know I haven't been bloggin' about much, but I've been busy. Sorry Folks, you're gonna have to wait until my mind strikes me with more awesome opinions and/or musings.

Quantum of Solace

2008-11-14T16:29:00.002-06:00

So I hit up the midnight showing of Quantum of Solace this morning.

I'll say this, It wasn't bad. It just wasn't what I wanted. I shall explain.

Casino Royale was my personal favorite 007 film. It had a rich plot, enough action to keep me happy, a more than passable love story (which for a Bond movie is remarkable) and was filmed really interestingly. At the end of Casino Royale, the viewer was just as confused and saddened as Bond was. So, when the idea of a movie purely about avenging the loss (of possibly the hottest bond girl ever), I was more than enthused. However, I feel as though the movie failed to deliver on most of the promised themes.

When the movie started, the finger was clearly pointed as Vesper's boyfriend, who was more or less the reason she had to join Quantum and betray Bond. However, as the movie continues, you start to feel less like hes committing acts of vengeance and more like Bond is just tired of interrogating people, and is in more of a killing mood. And (SPOILER ALERT) the only person in this movie he captures whom he doesn't kill, is the very man who caused all his pain. (SPOILERS DONE) So I guess that left me scratching my head.

Also, the other idea of the movie was that this organization, Quantum, was global and had "people everywhere." This was made evident at one or two points in the film, however eventually the idea of a global organization dwindled down to a literal corporation that had some sinister motives. As Bond chased after one man, you couldn't help but wonder how weak Quantum was that without this man, it would fall to pieces (not to mention that the Mr. White seen at the end of Casino Royale had next to no relevance to the organization itself)

However, the movie did have its redeeming qualities. The action scenes were adrenaline filled and full of variety. This was by far the best action I've seen in a bond movie in a long time. Also, Camile, Bond's latest hot lady, was played nicely by Olga Kurylenko. Craig also once again proves himself to be worth of the 007 name as the first Bond fully capable of ripping out your kidney with his bear (yes, BEAR) hands, and then blugeoning you to death with it. However Craig also shows that he can play the emotional role decently too.

Long story short, I would say that this movie aimed for a Bourne-ish flare with all the action, but didn't have the amount of plot needed to pull of the rage, sorrow, and vengeance filled sequal that we'd all been so patiently waiting for. Still worth the money though.

I'd give it a 6.5/10.

And I give the opening song an 11.

Production

2008-11-12T00:13:00.000-06:00

Most of you 7 viewers are probably in a state of shock right now. I haven't been updating lately! Well this is just because the school newspaper just went into production for issue three. So don't panic, I know your lives depend on my blog entries, and they'll be back, just not until a week from today. Many appologies, and who knows, I might pump one out over the weekend about the new Bond flick.

Life's Short, Wrap More Things in Bacon

2008-11-09T00:38:00.001-06:00

My buddy had his 18th birthday party tonight, and we were lucky enough to go to a local Brazillian Steakhouse on his parents' dime. This was possibly the most wonderful eating experience of my life. Everything tasted delicious and fantastic, and I am more full than I have been in a long, long time. I doubt I'll eat that well for a long time. I managed to eat pork, chicken, and beef wrapped in bacon. The potential lifespan shortening was definitely worth that meal, and to anyone who has a brazillian steakhouse near by, I HIGHLY recomend going. They don't tend to dissapoint for 35 bucks a head.

Consolers of the Lonely

2008-11-07T14:55:00.005-06:00

I'm going to take a minute to talk about my personal favorite album of all time.

Consolers of the Lonely by The Raconteurs.

For those of you who haven't heard of the Raconteurs, its a band made up of general badass, Jack White (Of The White Stripes), Soloist Brendan Benson, Bass player Little Jack, and on Drums, Patrick Keeler. The Raconteurs first album was called Broken Boy Soldiers, and was known for its song "Steady, As She Goes."

Now that you've got some back story, I just want to tell you about this amazing album.

This album came out March of this year, so it's by no means new, but it's still very unknown, and it just saddens me. In this album, it is evident that Jack White took control of the band. The first album had a much more mellow sound, with some classic rock feel, and tended to favor the style of Benson's solo work (With a few exceptions of course.)

This second album's style was exploding with energy. If Broken Boy Soldiers was a nap in the sun on a summer day, Consolers of the Lonely is like going for a run in the midst of a thunderstorm. The start of an album, which is always really important to me, is the album's title track. With rapid key and tempo changes, it keeps you on your toes as your ears adjust to The Raconteurs new sound. However, you are given very few breaks from that point as it heads into the fast paced (And only radio hit from the album), Salute Your Solution. The album continues to build in energy, only to culminate in the final track, Carolina Drama. This song, my favorite on the album, is a story song about a young boy who witnesses a murder. It's a slow build to a powerful finish that leaves chills running down your spine, and honestly, I can't get enough of it. Jack White's blues have never dissapointed me, not with the White Stripes, and definitely not with The Raconteurs. However, Jack isn't the only one getting glory on this album. The often underrated Brendan Benson has one of the more powerful tracks on the album, Many Shades of Black. It's a perfect exasperated break up song, and Benson pulls it off wonderfully. There really isn't a single negative thing I could say about this album, hence the fact that it's my favorite. I would recomend it to anyone who generally loves music, but especially to those who love the classics (Led Zeppelin Style), The Blues, or The White Stripes.

The Top 5 Tracks on the album:

1. Carolina Drama
2. Rich Kid Blues (Albeit, a cover, still wonderful)
3. Top Yourself (The first overtly innapropriate song I've heard Jack White sing)
4. You Don't Understand Me
5. Many Shades of Black

30 Rock

2008-11-06T23:20:00.001-06:00

Honestly, I don't have a whole lot to talk about tonight.

Aside from 30 Rock of course.

This show is seriously the funniest thing on TV right now, and I don't understand how more people don't watch this. Tonights made me explode with laughter. Literally, it made a mess. But yeah I highly recomend the show, and I'd go in depth as to why, but honestly, its unnecessary. I'm tired tonight. Chump entry, I know. Oh well. 30 Rock is on www.hulu.com if you're interested. Its free.

Face-ism

2008-11-05T17:33:00.000-06:00

America faces a problem. This problem is not one to joke about. Millions of people a day are affected by this problem, and honestly, I've had about enough.

This problem is face-ism.

AKA

Facial Hair Racism.

All of a sudden, I'm just seeing a complete lack of beardage in the modern world. I bring this up in light of No Shave November AKA The Last of the Real Men's Men. Look at our presidential candidates. Neither had any form of facial hair. And honestly, I think that it's the 'stache that makes the man. Take this for example

Not Electable:

Electable:

However, even facial hair has its limits....

Still Not Funny:

Plus, facial hair is commonly associated with jolly folk. Like Santa or Charlie Chaplin!

Seriously, name one bad person who had facial hair.

Can't?

That's what I thought.

(Underlying point, anyone this month who notices my increasingly scruffy facial hair realize that I've taken the No Shave November challenge, and my manhood is on the line. I am truly sorry in advance for the neck beard.)

The Night

2008-11-04T23:56:00.000-06:00

Okay, two posts in a day is excessive I know, and I hate to jump on the post election bandwagon. But as someone who never really knew which candidate to support, after hearing Obama's acceptance speech tonight, I'm 100 percent confident in him. I feel patriotic, I feel American, I feel hopeful, and most of all, I feel proud. Granted, it's his actions that will define his presidency, not words, but if he can move a nation like he did tonight just by talking, I'm convinced that he's the man who'll be capable of legitimizing America again. This country is in a rut, and we need a push to get out of it, and he'll give it to us. For the first time since my elementary school years, America has a president that is respected as a man of intellect and true american ideals. I'm interested to see President Obama's term begin, and I wish him and his family all the best, because the coming four years won't be easy, but we can all agree when we say that it'll be worth it if we can make some true changes.

Lots of times, People are Dumb.

2008-11-04T17:45:00.000-06:00

Today, people were obviously all talking election (see previous post for my distaste about this topic), and I heard quite possibly one of the dumbest sentences I've ever heard uttered by anyone ever.

"It's just as powerful to not vote as it is to vote."

....Really?

Because last time I checked, that's the same as saying its louder to stay silent than it is to shout.

But this person's stupidity set aside, the statement did get me a'ponderin and what not. It got me thinking about the power of silence, or rather, the lack of power. I've seen probably 5 or 6 protests since I started high school that involve some form of volunteer based silence for one cause or another. I just think the whole concept of going unnoticed to prove a point is dumb. You know you're protesting, and you're obviously very passionate about whatever you're protesting, but the fact of the matter is, in the course of the day, if someone I barely know isn't talking, I'm not going to care, quite honestly, I'm all for anything that gets the vegetarians to stop talking for a day. So long story short, if you've got a problem, speak up, because its the only real way to be heard.

On a side note, today I drew a picture. I feel like I should post it just to lighten the mood of this post, so here it is.

The Mysteries of the World

2008-11-03T21:49:00.000-06:00

Wanna know what's cool about the universe and what not?

We know jack shit about most of it!

Like the ocean for instance.

We've explored like 1 percent of the total ocean floor. Which means that the rest is COMPLETLEY UNKNOWN.

Now lots of people figure that stuff like Atlantis is down there, but I'm holding out for the coolest of cool shit:

That picture is gigantic, but it describes how much I'm pulling for the existance of sea monsters and shit. I'd also settle for some kind of dinosaur.

And then you've got space, and don't even get me started on space. The universe is infinite which basically means that if you can imagine it, theres a good chance that youll find it somewhere out there. So I'm pulling for a planet made of bacon.

So basically, the universe is pretty rad.

The Election Post or Shut up And Vote Already! or CAPS LOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL!

2008-11-02T16:35:00.000-06:00

Dear News Folk, Comedians, Politicians,

It has come to my attention that we are voting in 2 days. Awesome. HOWEVER. I think that it'd be in good taste to just stop talking about the election NOW. Honestly, this is long overdue. I've held my tongue while you constantly parody both candidates, create new bandwagons, hop on said band wagons, appear on popular late night television shows, and other such tomfoolery. HOWEVER, no longer. The candidates have both said their piece, have both made very clear where they stand, what they want, how much they're willing to pay to win via informercial, and how adorable yet vacant they are willing to be. Let. It. Go. Let's go back to talking about good things.

FOR INSTANCE!

These past few weeks, pirates were holding a vessel full of old russian tanks, weapons, and other such delightful things. The Navies of the world descended upon them in a mighty blockade as they held out for a large ransom, and to top it all off, THEY GOT AWAY WITH IT.

However to get updates on this story, I had to HUNT . It was absurd. Anytime actual, real life pirates make the news, they should be FUCKING FRONT AND CENTER. Seriously.

But that's enough ranting.

Honestly I think its in the best interest of the nation, the children, the puppies, and the pirates if we just shut the fuck up and vote.

Cheers!

Dan

Sub Post:

Someone showed me this rad website, most of it was lame but this was mostly frightening but slightly awesome.

A Look Back In Time

2008-11-02T00:38:00.000-05:00

Now I don't know if of my 3 readers, any were major Nintendo 64 addicts, but if you grew up in the mid to late '90's, I don't see how you weren't. Today I was reminded of one of the gems of the N64 Era.

Pokemon Snap was the most wonderfully pointless game I've ever played. I'm pretty sure the basic concept is that you were the equivalent of a pokemon stalker. You'd kinda just find these things where they lived, and get pictures of them while they tried to evade. If I remember right, you weren't even able to move, you were perpetually on this little train track. More or less like a crappy virtual version of disney's animal kingdom. But what was even more awesome? The Graphics.

Makes games like Bioshock just plain unnecessary.

But yeah long story short, if anyone has a copy of pokemon snap, I would totally take it as a gift of some sort.

Sidenote: That Bioshock 2 teaser made me freak out. I loved the first one.

These Are Things That Make Me Angry.

2008-10-25T12:54:00.001-05:00

1. Hippies/Revolutionaries?

Ok, we get it. The corporate machine SUCKS. But it doesnt suck when you're buying your brand new Che Guervara T-shirt. Vive Le Revolution! Fuck you.

And seriously, stop being a pushy vegetarian. I respect the convictions of people who will give up something like meat, but when you start pushing it in the faces of others, I will ignore you forever. I dont want any pamphlets about how many puppies die to make my hotdog. I will still eat animals, it's just how I am. They're delicious.

Case and Point.

ALSO!

Stop begging for changes in cafeterias and what not. Vegetarians and Vegans always act super shocked and wronged by the fact that cafeterias don't tend to serve tofu hotdogs and stuff. The way I see it, if you are refusing to eat more than half of the options a restaurant has given you, you're more or less forcing yourself to eat elsewhere. You picked your lifestyle, man up and take your wheatgrass shots.

2. Political Correctness

Heres the deal guys. Political Correctness is BULLSHIT. Having to make everything multiracial and equal and respectful to everyone is dumb. For example, in my discrete math book, every example has some kid with an exotic crazy ass name. I'm not a racist, but I don't wanna have to rewrite these really long names like Esperanza. Just typing that, I had to make myself a pizza for energy. Now I could pull a bajillion more examples like how they "fixed" cookie monster, but theres one I just read about in the news that makes me want to explode with rage.

Santa has been made "politically correct"

(This article is old, but I couldn't find the one I read last week.)

Because Santa is large, it was said that hes been setting a poor example for children. Now I think this is bullshit. Everyone knows there is a mathmatical equation proven by SCIENCE (apparently I'm addicted to caps lock today).

Fatness is directly proportional to how jolly you are.

Like seriously. If santa becomes skinny, I'll never be able to take him seriously again. I will no longer donate to those santas looking for charity money, and orphans around the world will lack medical care and new clothing. True story.

So now they've asked Santa to slim down, so I'm asking them to shut the hell up before they ruin the easter bunny by making him learn to read or something.

Chizzled abs mean nothing if you've sold your soul.

3. Kids In Restaurants

Have you ever been unfortunate enough to be seated next to one of those families? You know the one I'm talking about. Its a couple of young couples looking for a night out full of intelligent conversation. Its not a crime to want such things am I right? I would be, if it were not for the fact that all these couples have made the decision to have like 23 children in direct succession. And they refuse to control them until they damn well feel like it. Now granted I understand how much it must suck to have little kids what with the constant noise, feces, and vomit. But that doesn't mean I'm going to share your burden. If you 2 wanted to have a nice night out you should have done one of 3 things.

1. Gotten a babysitter.
2. Made friends who dont have kids so that I only have to deal with one set of toddlers throwing straws around the room instead of like 6.
3. Maybe you shouldn't have had all your kids be born within a year of eachother. Pace yourself you crazy mofos.

4. People Who go Jogging at Night

Like 8 times this summer I was surprised to find people jogging outside at like, 10 pm. Now this is totally okay with me, but the fact of the matter is, it's best to stay on the sidewalk. I get it. You're running outside at 10pm. You must be one tough badass. Now here's the problem. You're running on the road. I'm in a car. You're not wearing any of that reflector shit, and if you are, its on your fucking shoe. Your survival chances are slim at best seeing as I'm not the most awesome driver around.

5. Fat People in Disney World

So here's the deal, I just heard this today. The "It's a Small World" Ride at disney world has been temporarily closed. You're all probably wondering why. Well the answer is hilariously depressing. The moat they have dug for the boats in the ride is now officially too shallow. At 2 points in the ride where the water is lower than usual, the average weight of the people in the boats has been causing the ride to bottom out. Now, this isn't something that's always happened. Its something new, and its because of all those people out there who are like, pushing 400 pounds, and still jamming down the fried chicken. So maybe while Disney digs you a deep moat, you can go on a bit of a diet?

6. Middle School Kids in Movie Theatres

Ninety percent of the time I have middle schoolers sitting near me in a movie theatre they find that nothing is funnier than making comments to their friend about every fucking thing that happens in the movie. Now I'll admit, I used to be that kid. I thought it was hilarious to joke about different ridiculous things that could happen in the movie. And I think to some degree, everyone is that annoying and young at some point, but now that I'm so very mature, I've learned my lesson, and seen the truth. Kids that age will always be little punks.

Luckily, at that age, they're still pretty punt-able.

So my old blog got lost.

2008-10-22T15:43:00.000-05:00

My old blog got lost. I dont have the password, and i probably never said anything of consequence on there. Last post was from Lollapalooza, so I think I'm just going to do the good ol' fashioned Copy, Paste deal to get my good reviews over here. Blogspot works a lot better than the old site I used.

So!

Is this normal?

I walk into chipotle and a woman in front of me ordered a burrito with no meat, rice or salsa. Just beans and lettuce.

Is this as communist as it seems to me or do a lot of people do this?