Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Shitty Jello Pudding Commercials that Fill me with Rage

Okay, this is probably the product of sleep deprivation, or just an ancient hate for pudding, but I have found a commercial that angers me. It is for Jello Chocolate Pudding. It consists of a bunch of young hip women in a salon being so flaberghasted by this low calorie jello that they burst into dance.

At this point you guys are probably like, What the fuck, Dan? Why do you care about a jello commercial. Well basically, at the health club I go to, there is a channel on one of the many TV's that shows JUST COMMERCIALS. And apparently Jello bought a good chunk of their time because it plays about twice every 10 minutes. So more or less, I've been given a chance to analyze the commercial from pretty much every angle. And I am angry.

Here are my reasons.

1) The Happiness.

NO ONE LIKES JELLO THIS MUCH. NO ONE. I get it, 60 calorie pudding is probably prettttty bitchin. However, I won't deny that a certain type of person wouldn't be elated at the idea of low calorie pudding. However I think that instead of looking like this,
"Look how much we love pudding!"
They'd look more like this.
"Need more pudding."

2) Incorporation of my least favorite dance move

I call it, The Oops Face. It's something that primarily is done by women. It's when you bust a dance move, and then make a face as if you didn't mean to.

"Oh I'm sorry, That was rather impressive, ooops!"

This dance move is pretentious. It thinks that it's better than me. And I want it to stop. Now.

So I guess if you still don't understand my grievences, I'm gonna go ahead and say that not all my blog entries can be winners. Sometimes, I just need to get angry.

Rock on.

Friday, December 5, 2008

The Punisher: War Zone

Okay, I'm going to preface this by sharing a secret with you all. One of my guilty pleasures is, yes, Punisher movies. I loved the first one, and I've always loved The Punisher as a character. I think the idea raises a lot of interesting questions, but unfortunately, the two prior movies have fallen flat in the end.

But this one changed things up a bit!!!

Basically, this movie didn't take itself seriously. Which turned out to be the key to being awesome. This movie was over the top, cheesy, comic book goodness at its very best. Whereas movies like the Dark Knight manage to legitimize themselves as films (with damn good reason considering Dark Knight was the greatest comic book based film EVER MADE. Don't Argue.) , the Punisher knows that it's simply an action movie, and doesn't try to weigh the viewer down with silly things like plot or commentary on society. The movie was funny in the same sense that Snakes on a Plane was funny. It knew it was ridiculous. Which I loved. They stuck to the source material pretty well too at the parts that mattered. (Nerd alert!!!) And overall I feel like this movie was a success. Ray Stevenson said his....4 lines....without stuttering. I'd comment on his acting, but there really was none. It was a lot of ol' Frank Castle kickin' ass and taking names.

If I had to sum up this movie in a sentence (The punisher is like....) I'd say.

The Punisher is like.....growing a plant made of sheer testosterone, harvesting it with an AK 47, rolling that shit in glass, and smoking it, to produce some form of Steven Segal PCP Style high. Followed by laughter, and then a nap.

Bonus Points For...

-Having a sub villain named "John McGinty and the Free Flow Gang"
-The last scene being legitimatly badass, followed by hilarious as the screen cuts to black. Go see it.
-Using every cheesy action movie line EVER (I.E. "See you in hell." "If I see you anywhere near hell, I'm gonna kick your ass!")

Overall Rating:


See it if you like movies that are kind of tongue in cheek. Watch it as a comedic action movie, and you wont be dissapointed. Watch it as a thought provoking film and you may find yourself in tears, and not for Frank's family.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008


Here's something that bothers me that just started happening. I belong to our local health club, Lifetime Fitness. Every time I go there, the routine is the same. I hand them my card. They swipe it, they say, "have a good workout."

So this week, I've gone twice. Both times there's been one subtle difference. They've said.

"Have a good workout, DAN."

Now i can only assume that these people are reading my name off the card, or the computer screen in which they swipe it. This wierds me out. Sure, it starts cordially with a name. But how much is encrypted in that card?

Where I live?

My hobbies?

My Fears?

That's just what I need.

"Have a good workout Dan, and you don't have to worry about that fear of dolphins, there are none in our pool."

I liked the nonpersonal relationship I had with desk girl before this started. Now I'm frightened. Way to go technology.